as anyone noticed that whenever a war breaks out, it's always a
politician who caused it? Maybe we should take a cue from the global warmers
who want us to sequester carbon dioxide. Instead of CO2, sequester
the politicians. By sequester, I mean throw—er, store—them in
Mauna Loa. That way, if we ever need a politician—and I think this
highly unlikely—we'll know where to find one. Also, it would appease
the volcano goddess, Whatsername.
The recent elections proved one thing: Americans no longer know how to count. It's almost as if the voting tabulators are using their fingers, which is why the total always gets up to twelve and then stops, after which they have to call tech support. The computerized counters are even worse, almost as if they're running Windows.
We learned from the climate crisis that climate studies computers can't be trusted either: for some odd reason they're predicting that the world will go up in flames if the temperature rises by one and a half degrees. It's true. Why, just last Wednesday, the temperature in by back yard increased from 4 to 5½ degrees and every single species out there went extinct. It's now a lifeless wasteland, with dead leaves everywhere.
The latest claim—by neurologists, no less [paywalled, 39 bucks to read it]—is that global warming is causing migraines, strokes, and dementia to be more severe and common. The idea is that humans are all getting dehydrated. Sigh. If only we had some way of treating dehydration . . . . What they want, of course, is to be able to say global warming is killing people. What they will get is to turn science into a laughingstock.
Why is it that no one is surprised when computer predictions about red or blue waves always turn out to be wrong but computer predictions about climate catastrophe are always right and we're deniers if we think otherwise?
Anyway, Ann Coulter is on a roll, comparing Donald Trump to a leech (in a nice way), while NRO, according to one of the three people who still read it, is now saying—and sit down before you read this—they're opposed to Trump running again.
Okay fine. How about Elon Musk? We'd have to annex South Africa first. And for sure he and AOC would have to stop all that embarrassing flirting. But if there's one quality that our recent presidents lacked, it is an audacious imagination. Also, Elon Musk is able to form complete sentences. And anyone at Twitter who tries to suspend his account will just get fired. Why didn't Trump think of this?
Trump fans discounted the attacks against him, which by any measure have been a disproportionate response to his annoying tweets, as political. It's good evidence that once a news outlet pegs itself as being political, anything they say from then on is easily dismissed by their opponents.
Then there are the pundits berating us for acting as if we don't care who runs. Why should we? It's not as if we get a choice.
During the 2016 debates when Trump started attacking his fellow candidates, he looked to some like a crazy person. But as always happens, we didn't get a choice. The candidate was selected by the voters in one state who are allowed to consult their emotional support ear of corn and in the state where the electorate consists entirely of people who couldn't stand living in Boston one more minute.
They were all fine citizens, but I thought Carly Fiorina was pretty good. She had an unblemished record of reducing the profits and staff at HP. That's maybe not so great in industry, but it's just what we need in the government. But she dropped out, along with the others.
We got Trump mainly because humans don't like being insulted. His base, accustomed to being insulted and lied about every day by the press, reveled in Trump's combativeness. And admittedly, the economy was doing quite well when he was president. Unfortunately, the other party is also full of humans who don't like being insulted.
Yesterday I had a fly buzzing around in my office. When I tried to spray it with Windex, the sprayer got jammed and the fly dive-bombed me as if taunting me. Then it would hide waiting for me to do something else. It's a perfect metaphor for what Trump was facing.
It does no good to complain. The fly, like Antifa, has no mind of its own. Complaining about it, especially if you're the most powerful human in the known universe, which fortunately for the world I am not, would be a form of weakness. Tweeting insults at it would have been pointless. After getting sprayed at a few times, the fly eventually dropped dead of its own accord.
If Trump wants to win, he'll have to show us he can do the same: not so much to squirt ammonia-containing liquids at his adversaries, necessarily (though that would be entertaining), but to brush them aside as inconsequential. But here's a crazy idea: how about having an election where we actually get to choose? Call it a “primary” and make a rule that says no candidate is allowed to drop out until we all get a chance to vote against him.
Here's an even better idea. Instead of multiple-choice ballots, make them essay questions. The voters write in 3000 words or less what they would like the next president to do. Essays written in all caps are permitted. The candidates sign whichever ballots they choose, electronically if need be. Whoever signs the most ballots wins, but the winner is contractually obligated to do exactly what's on those ballots. If they don't, we throw them into a volcano.
Oh hell, throw all of them in a volcano just to be safe. Maybe it would end all wars forever.
nov 17 2022, 6:02 am
