Who will get the dead people's vote this election?

They're a huge group of literally ‘underground’ voters.

t's been estimated that 45% of all Americans who have ever been alive are now dead. This is not a small constituency. Yet only 1.8 million formerly living Americans (FLAs), or 0.73% of the no longer living population, are actually registered to vote. This is among the lowest participation rate of any voting bloc. Even so, during every presidential election large numbers still turn out to vote, often in sufficient numbers to influence the result. Indeed, FLAs are an important part of the so-called swing vote.

This is because, despite their low participation rate, a significant proportion are still highly active in politics, making them a viable constituency. An NBC reporter in California, where 25,252 dead people are on the voting rolls, gave one example:

Former Hayward police officer Frank Canela Tapia has voted 8 times since 2005, though he died in 2001.

The reporter quoted Barry Garner, the registrar of voters in Santa Clara county, as saying “Too many people have sacrificed and died for the opportunity to vote in this country.”

Yet despite their sacrifice, and despite their large numbers, few reporters have ever interviewed FLAs to find out why they voted the way they did. Little is known about the issues that are most important to this group of literally ‘underground’ voters. Many are elderly, so perhaps it might be healthcare, since they might not have received enough of it, which may account for their current condition.

Transportation and unemployment could also be issues. FLAs have the highest unemployment rate—over 99%, not including DMV employees—of any demographic. Housing is not an issue; unlike living Americans, who move on average once every five years, FLAs rarely move.

Many seem to gravitate to places like Minnesota, where it was reported that there were more votes cast than the total number of people who showed up and signed in to vote. But even here, it's not clear how many were formerly living voters and how many were just so stupid they forgot they had already voted.

What animates dead voters? To find out, we interviewed a typical formerly living American using the online Ouija board at http://www.brainjar.com/dhtml/ouija/. We found that although he is a registered Democrat, like many other FLAs he is surprisingly conservative on many issues.

REPORTER: May I ask you your name, sir?

TD: Too Dark

REPORTER: Mr Dark, are you registered as a Democrat or a Republican?

TD: DEMOCRAT

REPORTER: What are the issues that matter to you when you vote?

TD: SPRING

REPORTER: Should the government raise taxes to pay for more social services?

TD: NO

REPORTER: What issues matter most to you?

TD: CANNOT SAY

REPORTER: Are you in favor of putting troops on the ground in Syria?

TD: YES

REPORTER: Will you vote for Hillary Clinton?

TD: NO

Although this is admittedly an unscientific poll, it seems clear that Hillary may have a bigger challenge in getting the dead people's vote than Barack Obama. Maybe the FLAs have finally seen the light.

Nonetheless, despite the fact that Democrats seem to be in low spirits this time around, ghosts may still be playing a behind-the-scenes role. Hillary Clinton is known for defying the laws of national security, but in that magical coin toss in Iowa, Hillary also defied the laws of statistics by winning six coin tosses in a row, clear evidence of some extracorporeal influence.

Whatever animates them, FLAs are a rising demographic; at last count there were several movies and a hit TV show that featured formerly living people in starring roles.

However, my investigation suggests that unless Hillary can broaden her appeal, her natural constituency of formerly living Americans might not even bother to vote at all. Still, she might not need them. Dead voters are one thing; brain-dead voters are another.

Categories: Democrat voters, Hillary Clinton, voting fraud, bad taste humor.