The Blogger's Code of Snark
Contrary to popular opinion, there's no rule that a blogger has to be living
in a basement filled with empty Cheez Puff bags and soda cans. But there are
some rules every blogger must follow to avoid being cast out of the Blogger's
Guild. It's a tough code to follow, and not every blogger is up to the task.
These rules were handed down to me by my old Grandma Blogger, who knitted them
into a seven-foot-long tea cosy. I didn't ask her about all those red stains
splattered on the back, and she never volunteered anything.
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If you can't say anything snarky, don't say anything at all.
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Every article must have at least one paragraph that is snarky—the
snarkier the better. People love to watch a fight, so snarkiness beefs up
your site stats.
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If someone else disagrees with you, they are the enemy.
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Every post must end with a warning that millions of people will die if the
reader does not comply. Therefore the reader is a mass murderer unless he or
she agrees with you.
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Never admit a mistake. Admitting a mistake or ceding any ground will result
in being forced to turn in your blogger card.
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If the reader feels less angry or more informed after reading your article,
you have failed.
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Never represent your opponent's position fairly or accurately. Take their
quotes out of context. Better yet, don't bother finding out what they
really believe or why. Remember, you already know you are the good guys
and they are the bad guys. Bad guys by definition don't deserve to be
treated fairly.
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You know you're right. Your friends know you're right. Therefore, your
opponents must be either evil or stupid. Calling them deniers, Nazis, fascists,
commies, racists, misogynist, islamophobic, TERFs, drooling morons, mentally ill,
hillbillies, homophobic, sexist, decadent and evil will convince them that they're
wrong. The more names you pile on, the more convincing your argument becomes,
because it makes them angry, which is after all what the Internet is for.
Piling up pejoratives might sound like bad writing, but actually
it's a form of intersectionalism, which is the idea that the more contradictions
you have in your ideology, the stronger it becomes.
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Never use politically neutral language. The best way to convince the reader
is to jam your politics down his or her throat. Never be positive, and never be
understanding.
Grandma Blogger's favorite sayings
Blogging, like my tuna casserole, is a dish best served cold. But do not listen
to those who say it is best not served at all. Oh my goodness gracious no.
Baking is the best way to handle troublesome children. Oh dear me, I meant to
say baking cookies.
I like to bake delicious cookies, but I'd much rather be setting delicious cookies
to track my online enemies.
We were poor when I was young. Instead of turkey, every Thanksgiving we
would sit around the table smelling the 2-mercaptobenzothiazole that
the tire company used to vulcanize rubber. . . .
I love to knit my grandchildren cute little sweaters, but now I spend most
of my time writing computer viruses to put on their little computers, and
making ecstasy.
The expression “clap back” that the children are all using reminds me of when I
lived near the naval air station. We used to give that to guys all the time. Oh
my, how wonderful when penicillin was invented!
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Always state everything in absolute terms. Qualifying things just confuses people.
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Never define your terms. Everybody always agrees what terms like
'equality', 'socialism', 'fairness' and 'justice' mean. Telling people
what you actually mean just wastes space.
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If your argument isn't strong enough, re-define the terms so your opponent's
position is a form of violence, or better yet, genocide. If at all possible,
link them to Hitler. You're giving them a choice: they either agree with you
or they're Hitler. No one ever gave Hitler that choice—they just went
straight to calling him Hitler—so you're really just being generous.
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Re-define the terms so you're immune to whatever you're accusing them of.
For instance, define something so it's only bad when they do it to you,
but not when you do it to them.
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Never state the arguments for and against your position. Just state your
conclusion and then call anyone who disagrees a denier. This makes your
argument really strong.
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Add a groupthink statement like “Anyone who disagrees with me is not
a true [liberal / conservative / feminist / whatever]!” or “It's
really very simple!”, which implies they're a numbnut if they don't agree.
This works because people all live in terror at the thought of being
excluded from your club. You're guarding the clubroom door. It's your
job to keep the bad people out.
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If, after following these rules, you find you still can't be snarky enough,
you're better off moving to Twitter.
