Words of wisdom from Grandma Blogger

Last week, after hearing about that wonderful work of art where somebody duct-taped a banana to the wall, I tried it with my banana cupcakes. What a mess! First they wouldn't stick. Then they got all mushy. And getting the tape off the wall, oh my goodness gracious me! It ripped off a big strip of my paisley wallpaper.

I just saw some comedy movie about Jesus that claimed he was gay. I knew that guy. Trust me, he's not gay! What, son of who?

One blogger claimed I knitted a seven-foot tea cosy. What malarkey. It was six, six and a half foot tops. I happen to know nobody sells A4 paper within a thousand miles of him. So I hacked into his computer and set his printer to say LOAD TRAY 1 PLAIN A4 no matter what he did.

Somehow I ended up with a big container of Oxy-Clean. I thought, waste not want not. But now my cats are all the same color.

For the past few months I've been hearing a rapping, a gentle rapping, on my chamber door. I thought it was those god damn crows again, but it turned out to be my hearing aid picking up radar signals from all those FA-18s flying around overhead.

My dear grandchildren bought me a Ouija board, saying your Grandpa Blogger and I should practice so the children can talk to us later. I'm not sure what they meant by that, but Grandpa and I played it for a while. Oh my, such language! So many new words that were not even in the dictionary! I was convinced we had contacted some evil spirits, until I noticed Grandpa gently smirking. Now I worry about him a little.

After I saw a picture of Hillary Clinton on the Internet, I asked my doctor how she did it. He told me it was Botox. I asked him whether Botox would help me to look like her. He told me there wasn't enough Botox in the world. So I slugged him.

People always ask me whether I have any cats. No, my dear, I have all of them.

Believe all women? Balderdash! Women wanting to be respected for their minds? Pshaw! That's doing it the hard way. A guy who marries you for your looks will have you for a few years, but a guy who marries you for your mind will be stuck with you forever!

Women should be happy to get whistled at. The last time a construction worker whistled at me, I chased him for two blocks, but he got away.

Grandpa Blogger says he has a unique kind of hearing loss that only affects certain frequencies. I looked it up on the Internet. It is the same frequencies as my voice. Strange!

В РЕЖ ЗНЕРГОСБЕРЕЖЕНИЯ After I posted a picture of my monitor with some strange writing on it, some of my wonderful new Internet friends started calling me a Russian hacker. My Facebook filled up with all these messages with Cyrillic characters. Such language! Heavens to Betsy. When my grandchildren talk like that, I make them wash their mouths out with soap. It was almost like the time I ran over your Grandpa's foot with a Buick Skylark.