Predictions for 2021

• Two months after Joe Biden takes office, Americans will be shocked to learn that Sundar Pichai, the CEO of Google, is now the president of the United States. Elon Musk, who ran a little-noticed third party campaign to send infectious disease expert Anthony Fauci on a one-way trip to Mars because he was “so darn annoying,” will file suit in the Supreme Court. In a close 127,422 to 127,418 decision, the Court will determine that Musk actually had more votes, but their hands are tied as it is perfectly legal for the states to conduct fraudulent elections, so nothing can be done. President Pichai's inauguration will be confirmed by a Google search, which will show that the top 100,000 articles all unanimously confirm that Google Dot Com now runs our country, all websites claiming otherwise (including Facebook and Twitter) having mysteriously disappeared from the Internet.
• In August, scientists will announce the discovery of a real-life kraken in the swamps of Florida. Unfortunately, it will be only three inches long and immediately classified as an endangered species. The media will have a field day using it to ridicule former president Trump. However, a week later, after the city of Opelika, Alabama suddenly goes missing, it is realized that the kraken will eventually grow to be 2,500 feet long. CNN will blame Trump for this. Voters will send stamps to Alabama in support of mailing the kraken to CNN headquarters in Atlanta.
• Surgeon General Dr. Jill Biden will declare that in order to flatten the curve some more, COVID-21 denial, which consists of questioning the statistic, known to be 100% true, that 430 billion people have died of the latest disease originating in Wuhan, China, is now a federal crime. Twenty-four-hour-a-day mask wearing will be mandated by federal law. Furthermore, vaccine skeptics will be sent to concentration camps. A few will point out that Jill Biden is not a real doctor but only has a degree in education. These Biden deniers will all be convicted of colluding with Vladimir Putin, who is now No. 1, 2, and 3 on the FBI's Most Wanted List.
• Biden will end the issue of racism once and for all by saying to all Americans, “You ain't black!” thereby conferring honorary white person status on all Americans. The press will be overjoyed at Biden's brilliance. To honor the ‘Biden Proclamation’ they will tear down the Lincoln Memorial and build a Biden Memorial in its place. Skeptics who point out it cannot be called a Biden Memorial because Biden has not actually died will be silenced when it is revealed that Biden actually died shortly after losing in the Democratic primaries in August 2020 when he tripped over a cat given to him by Kamala Harris, who shortly thereafter unexpectedly became his running mate.

dec 17 2020, 6:30 am