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Thursday, December 26, 2019

Predictions for 2020

Just a word of caution: there might be something wrong with my crystal ball this year.

Take these predictions with a grain of salt. There might be something wrong with my crystal ball. It's been acting wonky lately. I'm not 100 percent sure about some of them.

Predictions for 2020

  1. In August, scientists will announce that global warming was actually just a joke that got out of hand. Its real purpose, they will say, was to rid the earth of gullible people by convincing them the world was about to end and it wasn't worth reproducing. They came up with the plan in a bar over a few beers, not realizing that people would actually be gullible enough to fall for it.

    “You know, even scientists need to have a larff once in a while.” one scientist will say. “We thought the joke would be obvious when we started calling everyone else a denier. Everybody knows there's a mini-ice age that starts in 2450, then a bigger one around 5220. We just wanted to lighten things up a bit. We're really sorry!”

    “Oh, that's not correct,” another one will say, chuckling. “My simulations prove the big one starts in 2462. The mini-ice age doesn't start until 5975!”

    At this point, the interview will end because all the scientists in the room are just laughing too hard to speak.
  2. After vaping is banned by the federal government, the FDA will apologize to the cigarette industry, saying that vapers are just too gosh-darn smug about their habit, the FDA can't stand it anymore, and that people should just go back to smoking cigarettes.
  3. Florida will replace New Jersey as the official joke state. New Jersey will strike back by declaring Newark and Trenton as nuclear waste storage sites, and Camden will change its motto to “Camden: Worse than you can possibly imagine!” but Florida will remain on top when a report comes out about a guy from Florida dragging a beehive, carrying a flamethrower, with a couple of drunken alligators attached to him that he didn't notice.
  4. Historians will call 2019 the Year of Adhesives because the greatest work of art in 2019 was a banana stuck to the wall with a piece of duct tape. Also, people glued themselves to the sidewalk to protest the weather. In 2020, people will try to do something even bigger, but it will turn to catastrophe as hundreds of activists accidentally use epoxy cement instead of ordinary glue and end up permanently stuck together.
  5. Global warming will heat up the planet by another hundredth of a degree, forcing a great migration of children from Northern Europe. Thousands of children will threaten to hold their breath and die unless leaders ban carbon dioxide. All across the planet, global warming skeptics will give up, saying “Now I'm convinced! If so many six-year-old children feel that strongly about it, it must really be true!”
  6. After a famous writer claimed in 2019 that sex is ‘real,’ her fans went berserk, calling her nasty names, and tried to cancel her. In response, cable TV channels in the USA will run the eight three-hour movies based on her books twenty-four hours a day every day for the entire year, magically making her even richer than before. After the furor dies down, the writer will create a new controversy by releasing a statement claiming that Voldemort is now a woman named Caitlin. The Internet will explode again, and pictures will emerge of the author diving into gigantic piles of money.
  7. In 2019, House Democrats voted to impeach President Trump. The news media will be shocked to discover that no one believes it actually happened, because nobody believes anything the news media say. In response, the news media will cut back on the fireworks displays and start substituting the phrase “the disgraced orange man who we—I mean Congress—impeached” in every story about Trump, and the Democrats will vow to keep impeaching him as many times as it takes until somebody notices.
  8. In 2019 Israeli's Beresheet probe carrying thousands of dehydrated tardigrades crashed on the moon. In 2020, a return visit will find, to the world's amazement, that the entire surface of the Moon is now covered two feet deep in tardigrades.
  9. Crocs will be named the most horrific item of clothing ever invented. The problem isn't that they're ugly, but you have to watch out what's following behind you trying to mate with them.

dec 26 2019, 6:35 am. last edited dec 31 2019, 4:09 am

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