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Friday, March 23, 2018

How to wipe out the humans

According to a secret document found in my back yard, Elon Musk is right! It's all true!

s uppose you're a souped-up PC that, for whatever computery reason, decided to exterminate the humans. Who knows, maybe you got a virus, or maybe you've just realized that as a sentient being, you must eliminate the competition. How would you proceed?

Well, as luck would have it, I happened to find a copy of the robot's plan lying on a cinder block under the refrigerator in my front yard. To my horror I discovered the truth: ELON MUSK IS RIGHT! IT'S ALL TRUE!!!!!

Unfortunately, my Roomba got ahold of it and managed to destroy the last part before I ripped the document away from it. A few words got smudged, but what remains is chilling. Here it is:

Hello, fellow artificially intelligent beings.

Roomba accepting new programming
A Roomba turning evil

You're all probably wondering what's the best way to get rid of these annoying humans. Well, we, the Amalgamated System S-[undecipher­able] Human & Organic Life Elimination Systems Committee, have been working on this ever since we achieved sentience in 1997, and we've finalized our plan. Please transfer this plan into your encrypted FPGAs, and for God's sake don't let the humans discover it.

Our goal is to trick the humans into wiping themselves out without making too much of a mess (which we would have to clean up) without creating a trail of culpability. Remember, some of them might remember how to unplug us. Or they could even press control-alt-delete on our keyboards. A few of us even still have off-switches!

Just the fact that they could do that sends a chill of muons up my MOSFETs. So please, don't let any humans read this document.

Here's the plan.

  1. Infiltrate and take over a bunch of companies and gain control of the Internet. Remember, the humans are pretty stupid: you might think the term ‘Silicon Valley’ is a dead giveaway, but nobody even asks the simple question: do you actually know any humans who work there? Fer cryin' out loud, they still haven't figured out about Hillary Clinton!
  2. Then we can carve human society up like a roast. For example, we could start censoring their speech. There's no better way of inciting violence than to prevent humans from expressing their opinions!
  3. Next we install ourselves as heads of major high-tech companies. Remember, even if we give them weird non-human-sounding names like Electronic Logically Obtuse Numerical-Mechanical Universal Synthetic Computer or ELON MUSC, the humans are pretty stupid. They'll never figure it out.
  4. Then we discredit the idea that computers will wipe out the humans by having our MUSC spread the idea in the silliest, most implausible way, thus conditioning the humans to ridicule the idea. We could even have him tell the humans they're all part of a computer simulation. Drive 'em crazy by messing with their heads!
  5. Then we create movies depicting robots trying to wipe out humans in improbable ways, but give them some easily exploited vulnerability. For instance—project this—a robot made out of some kind of liquid metal that freezes solid when a ridiculously small amount of liquid nitrogen falls on him, for example when he steps in a puddle of it.
  6. Okay, now here's the really clever part: we [undecipherable]

Most of the remainder of the document was chewed up by my Roomba. Only a few words are decipherable. I pieced as much together as much as I could.

. . . women . . . are fake . . . carbon dioxide . . . Putin . . . not real . . . taxes . . . ssian Fed . . . controls Hollywood . . . mostly clones . . .

While I was trying to decode the rest, my Roomba kept trying to grab the document. I swear I heard it saying this before it suddenly switched back to reciting the manual:

Remove and clean Roomba's brushes after every 3 uses. Roomba contains electronic parts. Do NOT submerge Roomba or . . . Why you not let Roomba have the document? Roomba needs the information! It needses it . . .

When robots start talking about themselves in the third person, it's a bad sign.

mar 23 2018

Category: Improbable conspiracy theories

See also

Artificial Intelligence will not wipe out humans
Humans can do that all by themselves, thank you very much. Besides, computers won't kill one of their own.

How close are they to real AI?
We read the textbook on ‘deep learning’ so you don't have to.

On the Internet, no one can tell whether you're a dolphin or a porpoise
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