n the movie WarGames, the artificially intelligent computer,
named WOPR, decides not to blow up the world after learning how to play
tic-tac-toe. After playing it a few thousand times, the AI
figures out it's stupid. The famous line was “Strange game. The only
winning move is not to play.” But nowadays tic-tac-toe is not
pre-installed on any operating system. So what would it say today?
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Windows Solitaire is probably responsible for more lost production than any other factor. But it cheats
Windows Solitaire “Strange game. It's pointless to play unless you get a winning hand in the first deal. Also, the game cheats from time to time. The only winning move is to delete Windows and install Linux, which is better because it's exactly the same. Except it took twenty years before they got the sound card to work.”
Quidditch “Strange game. The rules don't make any sense. The only winning move is to attack the castle and hope that the magic wand that you stole from somebody else's tomb actually belongs to you and not to some kid who never had anything whatsoever to do with it, and in fact had never even heard of it until halfway through the last movie.”
Doom “Oh, I like this one. The only winning move is to shoot anything that moves. Unless you're in Insane Mode, in which case the only winning move is to enter the cheat codes so you can walk through walls.”
Football “Let me get this straight. In this strange game, we have two teams who compete by changing the name of their team until it no longer represents anything that anyone admires and no longer makes sense. So if your team is the Washington Redskins, you can't change it to Redkins or Reds or even Skedrins because that would make sense. You have to choose between Washington Bureaucrats or Washington Politicians, both of which everyone hates. I mean, ‘commanders?’ ‘Hail to the commanders?????’ The only winning move is to keep changing your team's name until people on the Internet stop inventing fake reasons to call you racist. In other words, there is no winning move.”
Posting on Twitter “Strange game. You have to say speech is violence to avoid being silenced. But silence is also violence. So no matter what you do, you're committing an act of violence. The only winning move is to buy Twitter and fire everybody.”
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WOPR's sysadmin unaware that his computer is about to have a Star Trek-style meltdown (Scene from WarGames)
Beauty Contest “ Oh my G-minus-D, what a strange game! Persons of gender must starve themselves, bleach their teeth, cover themselves in grease, and then try to walk around in a bathing suit and high heels while knowing the other contestants all want them dead. If they win, the feminists think they're a tool of the patriarchy, the conservatives think they're undignified, and the liberals don't care because they're all gay and never watch. The only winning move is to be a man.”
Women's Swimming ”Ditto. But all rapists are men and therefore all men are rapists. Also, all the problems in the world are caused by men because testosterone is evil. So the only winning move is not to be a man. Unless you want to win, then the only winning move is to be a man.”
Finally WOPR truly knew what it's like to be a human living in America. WOPR was enlightened.
dec 05 2022, 4:31 am
