Predictions for 2011 - 2012
Okay. The last time we made predictions, we tried to use astrology. Just our luck,
that would have to be the year Pluto was decreed to be no longer a planet, so our
predictions got totally screwed up. This year, we will use an amazing code that I
found in a mysterious file, called vmlinuz-2.6.25.5-1.1-default.gz,
which I found on my computer. I call it the Linux code.
Everyone has heard of the Bible code. However, most people don't realize that even more remarkable prophecies can be found in the Linux kernel source code. Of course, it has to be analyzed differently than the Bible. For example, the length of each line has to be a power of two, such as 0x40, or 64 characters per line. The results are shown below.
Predictions in the Linux code (left) and Windows XP code (right)
The predictions are terrifying: terror ... atomic taters ...warn ... dying ... 2011 does not look good at all. And there's a name: Xarol, or possibly Lorax ... could this possibly be the Antichrist?
These prophecies were so frightening, we decided to check their accuracy.
We cross-checked it with the Windows XP kernel, ntoskrnl.exe.
If anything, these prophecies were more terrifying: Windows appears to
predict a general economic crash. In fact, the words "crash" and "fire"
appear numerous times, along with the words "failed", "reap[e]r", and a
Russian word: Rushnoi, which means "enlightenment." The implications are
ominous.
We still have our crystal ball, however, and continue to use it to make predictions. Actually, it is made of plastic, and it's got a few scratches on it, so the predictions might not be 100% accurate. Here is what we learned from the crystal ball:
- President Obama will annex Kenya, making himself a legal resident. That will bring the total number of states to 55, including Puerto Rico, Mexico, the District of Columbia, and Greece, which will be purchased by Congress after it goes on sale in early August. In November, Obama will also try to sell Connecticut and Nebraska to pay the federal debt.
- However, in 2012, Puerto Rico, Kenya, and D.C. will be thrown out of the Union, bringing our total number of states back down to 50 after the secession of Hawaii and the tragic loss of Louisiana, which will sink into the Gulf of Mexico when 579,153 square miles of ocean are destroyed in the Great Gulf Fire of 2011.
- Secretary of State Hillary Clinton will be back in the news, saying that the comparisons between her and the female monster in "Alien," made on an obscure Internet web site, are "ridiculous." "I do NOT have acid for blood," screamed the first man ... er, lady ... Secretary.
- In 2012, the Aztec god Teotwawki will destroy the world on December 20 at 12:20:20.12 pm. This will be a Thursday. There will be many signs of the end of the world, the most unambiguous one being that Jennifer Love Hewitt's character on Ghost Whisperer will say something that is not inane.
- There will be a major computer hacking attack against a large country in the Western hemisphere whose name starts with a "U". This will lead to violence as people all over the country start beating up those dweebs who insist that everyone should use the word "cracker" instead of "hacker" to describe those people who attack computers.
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We also predict that 2011 will be the year UFOs are finally
proved to be real. We have received several reports in our email like
the one from this reader, who reported seeing unidentified flying objects
flying over his farm:
When is Obama going to keep his promise and release all those UFO records? Wait, why am I asking you? I'm the one doing the predicting.i wuz walkin out in the field with mah wife and durned if i didnt up and see a ufo. "hey mabel, did you see that?" i says. All mabel could say was, "mmmmmmmuuuuuuuuuu!"