Where is Whatshisname The U.S. military will be embarrassed to discover that bin Laden was never in Tora Bora, but had been hiding in Chaman, Pakistan, near the Afghanistan border. A long tunnel reaching all the way from Chaman across the border will be found that made bin Laden's escape from Afghanistan easy. His most likely destination is the disputed border area in Yemen just inside Saudi Arabia, perhaps in the hills west of Najran between Zahran and al-Jawf, which is only 400 miles from Mecca. This region is sacred to Muslims, and the US will be unable to bomb or send troops after him if he goes there.
However, bin Laden's left arm which, along with his former followers, was noticeably absent in his wildly popular December 2001 video, will turn up in Afghanistan sometime late in 2002.
Usama's associate Ayman Al Zawahiri, who was badly injured by a mysterious accident involving a sheep and a mechanical device whose function will remain unclear, will accompany him to Yemen.
The Red Cross It is predicted that conflict will continue to smolder between the U.S. government and the International Committee for the Red Cross (ICRC), which will become more and more radicalized over the next several years, becoming a radical militant organization by 2040.*
Iraq Since Israel's point of view about the untrustworthiness of Yasser Arafat proved correct, the U.S. will take more seriously earlier claims by Aman, Israel's military intelligence, that the Iraqi Intelligence Service (SSO) was behind the World Trade Center massacre. However, the U.S. will not attack Iraq until 2004 when the carrier U.S.S. Kitty Hawk is damaged in the Arabian Sea by massive underwater explosions. Saddam Hussein will be difficult to find amidst persistent rumors that he has either escaped to Syria or Chechnya or died of some mysterious fungal disease.
In 2005, after Saddam Hussein is discovered to be hiding in Afghanistan, Laurie Mylroie, author of Study of Revenge: Saddam Hussein's Unfinished War Against America will decisively end the war by personally attaching herself to a cruise missile and smashing it through the window of Saddam's lush 5th floor penthouse in Kandahar, Afghanistan, which by this date, thanks to a massive influx of foreign capital, is the world's leading international financial center.
News media showdown The tremendous stress placed on news reporters in Afghanistan will begin to take its toll. Geraldo Rivera, after returning to Afghanistan to complete his "unfinished business" with Usama, will be wounded in the arm in a sniper attack. CNN's reporter Christiane Amanpour, who will return to Afghanistan a day after Geraldo but mysteriously disappear in the Kakar mountains a few days later, will suddenly reappear on CNN the day after Geraldo's injury wearing night vision goggles, carrying an M16 fitted with a scope, and looking strangely refreshed.
The entertainment industry, not to be outdone, will continue its ground-breaking expedition into higher culture with a new TV show in which twelve contestants, trapped in a Gothic castle with only minimal items of clothing, must slaughter each other to escape; and with five new cable channels: Short Attention Span 1, Short Attention Span 2, The Body Part Enlargement Channel, The Total Mindless Drivel Channel, and The Quagmire Channel , which will feature continuous 24-hour commentary by egotistical, uninformed news pundits interspersed with in-depth reports on topics such as global starvation, global racism, global warming, global inequality, global terrorism, global ethnic conflict, global oppression of persons of color, shade, tint, and texture, and other global problems that are all America's fault. Conservatives, not to be outdone, will join with Christian fundamentalists and counter with the Hell in a Handbasket Channel. One of its highlights will be a retrospective on the 1990s called "The Clintons: Enemies of Liberty or Spawn of Satan?".
Foreign attack, or maybe earthquake, predicted for 2067 On August 14, 2067, a new type of device that creates an effect similar to an earthquake will be detonated in the Western United States near Los Angeles. Evidence will eventually prove it was the work of rogue Chinese intelligence agents. American President Snoop Doggie Dogg, Jr. will delay retaliating because of China's past cooperation in rescuing the survivors from our ill-fated attempt to colonize Halley's Comet.
Tensions will reach a boiling point by 2069 with both sides threatening to use heavy-particle weapons, focused gravity wave beams, and outtakes from Baywatch against each other. Ultimately, the Chinese government will be overthrown by Tibeto-Falun terrorists acting in concert with a militant faction of the International Committee for the Red Cross, an organization that became radicalized after their headquarters in Afghanistan were bombed mercilessly by the U.S. military back in 2001. Conflict between China and the People's Republic of Nepal will continue.
New medical advances
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* I just recently discovered that this joke had also been made in one of the "Austin Powers" movies, which I unfortunately missed.
