One Phoenix Please, Extra Crispy — SCENE 1
| LUPIN: | Harry, you have your mother's eyes. |
| HARRY: | Yes, they're in that cupboard over there. Would you like to see them? |
| LUPIN: | Whaaaa? |
| HERMIONE: | He's telling the truth! Harry and I do . . . things . . . with them when there's a full moon. |
| GINNY: | Yes, and I pour sacramental wine over them and chant satanic curses while they do it. |
| LUPIN: | What's going on? How did this get in the script? And aren't Nymphadora and I supposed to be dead? |
| GINNY: | We performed an evil satanic ritual to raise you from the dead. Now you're not only a werewolf, you're also a zombie. |
| TONKS: | Hey, I just noticed: I'm alive too! |
| GINNY: | We had a couple of spare goats left over. Gifts from Draco's father. Nema nema! |
| HARRY: | You know, Hermione, Lucius is a pretty neat guy after all. And I never should have picked all those fights with Voldemort. I kinda respected him . . . well, until he had his gender reassignment surgery. |
| HERMIONE: | Me too. Oh, if only he hadn't changed his name to Caitlin. |
| GINNY: | Why are we saying all these horrible hurtful transphobic things? |
| CAITLIN: | [shaking head] I don't know. |
| HERMIONE: | Voldemort? You're back! And you're a woman now! Kiss me, Voldemort! As God is my witness . . . Oh, I'm so sorry I deadnamed you! |
| HARRY: | Voldemort! . . . er, Caitlin! You killed my mother and father! |
| CAITLIN: | No. I am your father! Join me and together we can rule the galaxy as father and son. |
| HARRY: | Noooooooooo! . . . Hey, wait a minute. You can't be my father, you're a woman. |
| CAITLIN: | I am also your mother. Do as your father says, young man. |
| HARRY: | Noooooooooo! |
| CAITLIN: | [Turning to Hermione] I am also your father. [Turning to Ron] And yours. |
| HERMIONE: | Noooooooooo! That's impossible! |
| CAITLIN: | Search your fee— |
| RON: | Noooooooooo! |
| GINNY: | Hail Satan. No that's not what I meant. I meant Hail Satan. Hermione, this is terrible, snog me too! Oh, wait, we are all related now? . . . Noooooooooo! |
| HERMIONE: | Not a chance. I saw how you kept trying to bite Harry in Half Blood Prince. |
| HARRY: | No wonder Voldemort's—I mean Caitlin's—eyes are the same color as mine but Lily's were brown. All these years, everyone knew but me. That's what Dumbledore meant when he said “The dark lord will return. And when he does, the boy will be in terrible danger. He has her eyes.” All my life they were all trying to tell me. |
| LUPIN: | Yeah . . . |
| CAITLIN: | Take your weapon. Strike me down with all of your hatred and your journey to the dark side will be complete. |
| RON: | Never, I will never turn to the dark side. Wait, that's Harry's line. |
| HARRY: | I think I should tell you, Caitlin . . . you're not really an orphan. You see, I borrowed Hermione's time-turner and . . . well, I am your mother and Ginny is your father. |
| CAITLIN: | Noooooooooo! That's impossible! And confusing! |
| HERMIONE: | You know, Ginny, none of this would have ever happened if you hadn't been praying to Satan every day. |
| GINNY: | Hermione, I am your uncle. And your aunt. Oh no, that means I am my own grandfather and my own mother. |
| HERMIONE: | Noooooooooo! |
| HARRY: | [Sobbing, head in hands] Oh, this is so confusing. Oh, if only I'd paid attention in biology class . . . . |
THE END
jun 13 2020, 5:53 am. revised june 22 2020 4:47 am. last updated jul 31 2020, 3:40 am
