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Saturday, June 13, 2020; revised Monday, June 22, 2020

One phoenix please, extra crispy

Some ideas for J.K. Rowling's possible remake of Order of the Phoenix

F eminism is in a fierce battle for survival with trans activism, an ideology that feminism itself created. Trans activism claims that males can become females by obtaining a piece of paper (actually issued by the gov't in the UK) that says they are a woman. This implies there is no such thing as biological sex, which negates the foundational principle of feminism. Last week, J.K. Rowling, the creator of Harry Potter, wrote a comment on Twitter defending feminism, and was denounced by three four cast members of her movies. It shows how all ideologies contain the seeds of their own destruction.

Here's how the movie would have been written in light of this new knowledge.

One Phoenix Please, Extra Crispy — SCENE 1

LUPIN: Harry, you have your mother's eyes.
HARRY: Yes, they're in that cupboard over there. Would you like to see them?
LUPIN: Whaaaa?
HERMIONE: He's telling the truth! Harry and I do . . . things . . . with them when there's a full moon.
GINNY: Yes, and I pour sacramental wine over them and chant satanic curses while they do it.
LUPIN: What's going on? How did this get in the script? And aren't Nymphadora and I supposed to be dead?
GINNY: We performed an evil satanic ritual to raise you from the dead. Now you're not only a werewolf, you're also a zombie.
TONKS: Hey, I just noticed: I'm alive too!
GINNY: We had a couple of spare goats left over. Gifts from Draco's father. Nema nema!
HARRY: You know, Hermione, Lucius is a pretty neat guy after all. And I never should have picked all those fights with Voldemort. I kinda respected him . . . well, until he had his gender reassignment surgery.
HERMIONE: Me too. Oh, if only he hadn't changed his name to Caitlin.
GINNY: Why are we saying all these horrible hurtful transphobic things?
CAITLIN: [shaking head] I don't know.
HERMIONE:Voldemort? You're back! And you're a woman now! Kiss me, Voldemort! As God is my witness . . . Oh, I'm so sorry I deadnamed you!
HARRY: Voldemort! . . . er, Caitlin! You killed my mother and father!
CAITLIN: No. I am your father. Join me and together we can rule the galaxy as father and son.
HARRY: Noooooooooo! . . . Hey, wait a minute. You can't be my father, you're a woman.
CAITLIN: I am also your mother.
HARRY: Noooooooooo!
CAITLIN: [Turning to Hermione] I am also your father. [Turning to Ron] And yours.
HERMIONE:Noooooooooo! That's impossible!
CAITLIN: Search your fee—
RON: Noooooooooo!
GINNY: Hail Satan. No that's not what I meant. I meant Hail Satan. Hermione, this is terrible, snog me too! Oh, wait, we are all related now? . . . Noooooooooo!
HARRY: [distressed look on face] Sufferin' succotash.
CAITLIN: Take your weapon. Strike me down with all of your hatred and your journey to the dark side will be complete.
RON: Never, I will never turn to the dark side. Wait, that's Harry's line.
HARRY: I think I should tell you, Caitlin . . . you're not really an orphan. You see, I borrowed Hermione's time-turner and . . . well, I am your mother and Ginny is your father.
CAITLIN: Noooooooooo! That's impossible! And confusing!
HERMIONE:You know, Ginny, if you hadn't been praying to Satan every day none of this would have ever happened.
GINNY: Hermione, I am your uncle. And your aunt. Oh no, that means I am my own grandfather and my own mother.
HARRY: [Sobbing, head in hands] Oh, this is so confusing. Oh, if only I'd paid attention in biology class . . . .


jun 13 2020, 5:53 am. revised june 22 2020 4:47 am. last updated jul 31 2020, 3:40 am

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