Man Vs. Wild in Washington, D.C.

Hi, my name is Grear Bylls. I've climbed almost to the foot of Snowshoe Mountain, crossed the freezing North Atlantic Ocean in a small, open cruise liner, and survived the ravages of the deadly norovirus. Today, I'm going to tell you how to survive in one of the most hostile wild environments in the world: downtown Washington, D.C.

[Whispering] I don't know if ya can see ... Shh, look a' that, it's a traffic camera and it's ready to strike! There's two of 'em perched on top of that pole over there. I've got to be careful and move slowly. If he sees me, I'm finished! Last year, thousands of motorists from Maryland and Virginia were attacked by these traffic cameras. They act as sort of a guard to make sure no one comes near the District to do any shopping. It's incredibly effective at keeping people out of the District.

This is really the deepest wilderness. A few years ago a group of filmmaking students from a nearby college were investigating stories of witches and got stranded near here. Without survival skills, they didn't have a chance. All that was found was some really, really bad shots of the camera looking up their nostrils. Not a pretty sight.

It's getting dark. I need to find shelter. But I can see up ahead a homeless person is after my rock. I'm going to follow him. A homeless person will know how to find a free meal; if not, well, maybe I can sneak up behind 'im and ... Cor, now he's asking me for money! Sorry fella, all I've got is these pine branches. Hey, come back with that bloody camera!

This poor spineless creature down in the gutter is what's known as a "Republican". This poor fellow's obviously far more afraid of me than I am of him. Republicans used to have the upper hand in Washington, because they're basically genteel, patriotic creatures whose values are shared by most of the people; but their numbers have been declining steadily because they've got less courage than the French Surrender Minister. This one's rolling about in the muck. I'll just give it a wide berth.

I've got to be careful. Last year a hiker accidentally stepped out into the street just as the lights turned green. He just barely managed to crawl back to the edge and call 911. He spent an agonizing fourteen days by the side of the road waiting for an ambulance to arrive. Even the mayor was thrown in prison for six months for pushing drugs. We are far from civilisation!

And yet, in the midst of all this wilderness, look over there--a flower. Just when your spirits are at their lowest, you see some wonderful little part of nature. It's as if nature can't help but make beautiful things. And not only that but ... munch munch ... it's rich ... munch munch ... in vitamin C.

The Democrats believe the following:

• If you put 200 dictators in the same room and let them vote, it becomes a democracy and everything they say has the force of law.
• It should be illegal to say anything bad about anybody else, except Republicans.
• We should do whatever it takes to get France to love us. If we're in a war, we should surrender immediately so that the enemy will like us better.
• People should all be as poor as possible so they are all equal. Big corporations should be disbanded and replaced by quaint village blacksmiths and local craftsmen, thereby ensuring that everyone remains poor.
• Taxes should be as high as possible because the people are all helpless children who need constant handouts to survive. Those who are not helpless children need to be shackled by more rules and regulations until they become helpless.
• There are too many people, so abortions and homosexuality should be encouraged. Unwed mothers are okay because they're usually poor, which means they're Democrats.
• We should throw open the borders because the country needs more poor people, who are mostly Democrats.
• People in red states are all morons.

• If some other country pisses us off, we should bomb the crap out of them until they stop.
• If someone commits a crime, passers-by should all be armed so they can blow the person's head off if necessary. This will eliminate crime through a process known as "natural selection".
• Certain types of behavior, like celebrities "accidentally" exposing one of their breasts during the Super Bowl, or people "accidentally" being Howard Stern, should not be tolerated.
• We should throw open the borders because new immigrants will depress wages, which is good for business.
• People in blue states are all morons.

If you're lost, and don't have a cup to drink water, you can still use needles. Needles are a great source of moisture. Here in Dupont circle, there are needles everywhere. I'm just going to load up on water. Ahh! You gotta be careful, though, to watch out for communicable diseases. Hey, easy fella, I'm not that kind of guy!

Most other states have noble sayings on their license plates, like Idaho's "Famous Potatoes" or New Hampshire's "Live free or die." But in D.C, the district's motto is "Taxation without representation." To people in other states, these whiny license plates are reason enough to keep the blighters out of the Union.

There is also something called a "Diplomat license plate." These cars belong to the foreign spies. Watch out for them--they're the worst drivers known to man. They've been known to leap across a row of three parked cars at 100 miles per hour just to plow into a bunch of pedestrians.

The street layout is another way these lumbering creatures have of avoiding predators. Roads cut through each other at all angles. One road travels northeast for five miles, then ends, then starts up again a mile later. On another road, the numbers on one side of the street go from 14600 to 15000, while across the street on the other side, the numbers go from 401 to 801. It's a very effective form of camouflage. Well, what do you expect from a city that was designed by a Frenchman!

In D.C., the buses are skittish. You can wait near this brightly-colored trail marker for up to half an hour without seeing one. If a bus does appear, the way to approach is just very calm and gentle. Damn, this one's got away. I've missed my chance. I'm knackered. This is too much. Call the bleedin' helicopter and get me out of here.