his week the worst thing in history ever has happened: the green
M&M—the slutty one, the one that always dressed provocatively,
the one that used to be a powerful aphrodisiac, according to the
Internet—has ditched her go-go boots and started wearing sneakers.
At least the company still believes there is such a thing as a female. You might think conservatives would be happy about that, but no. Nowadays, social conservatives are so sensitized to corporate wokeness they complain even when a company does something they want. The right of food items to wear things that stopped being cool in 1969 shall not be infringed.
Unfortunately, since M&Ms are manufactured (partially, according to the bag, with genetic engineering) but don't actually reproduce—yet—it's cheaper to make them in discrete colors than to create a continuum. Trust me, if Mars Wrigley Confectionery LLC could make them into rainbows, they would. But why are there brown ones but no white (or black) ones? Isn't this racist?
Package of M&Ms found in my freezer. It is well past its expiration date. The bag tells us that M&Ms are partially made by genetic engineering
We have bigger problems than slutty food. Since (according to the commercials, which are required by law always to be truthful) they're genetically engineered to have arms, legs, mouths, and eyebrows, eating them is cannibalism. When companies give our food items personalities, it makes us think we're living in the world of Charlton Heston and we must say “You gotta tell the people! Green M&Ms are made out of peeeeeopllllle!”
Imagine the poor green M&M, its aging body racked with cancer and arthritis, sitting alone in a theater watching scenes of trees and flowers with raindrops gently dripping on them, uplifting classical music in the background, as it waits in the dark to be euthanized, melted down, repackaged, and taken away in a little brown bag, tears running down its face and dissolving the M in the front.
Green M&Ms sitting on a table, unaware of the terrible fate that awaits them
No doubt the company would try to make that look cute. And that in my opinion is what's really going wrong today: people have lost the true sense of existential despair and hopelessness our great philosophers tried to bestow upon us. Life is not cute. It may be cold and empty and painful, but it is never cute. Its end is grimy and humiliating, and we go toward it dragging our feet every step of the way.
If they wanted to be hep and groovy and ignore bad taste altogether, why not put her in the cockpit of an F-15 scrutinizing the radar screen for bogies as she launches an AIM-120 AMRAAM at our latest enemy? They could even show her in combat, her inner milk chocolate layer oozing out after a missile destroys her Humvee, turning the snow into a brown slushie as she curses the scum politicians who sent her to die to protect their sinecures, knowing they plan to surrender and abandon her to convince the voters they're the party of peace.
Once good taste is lost, the possibilities are endless. They could show her accidentally shooting her photographer. They could show her getting vaxxed. Yeah, that's what we all want to see: our food items being tampered with by a giant corporation that thinks we're all political freaks. And everybody else getting outraged, as if to prove them right.
jan 26 2022, 4:55 am
