Left-wing logic

Left-wing logic

On the Internet, no one can tell whether you're a dolphin or a porpoise
by T.J. Nelson

Left-wing logic (LWL) is the type of logic that left-wingers use. It is a highly advanced, non-Euclidean type of logic, used only by beings of superior intellect. Superficially, it is similar to the normal logic that we use here on Earth, but it follows different rules. Further study of it should be invaluable when NASA makes contact with extraterrestrial life forms.

  1. In LWL, truth value is determined by the position of the subjects in the Official Status Hierarchy. Example: All minorities are are oppressed by definition.
    ∀(M) := Oppressed(M)
    Non-minorities cannot be oppressed:
    ¬∃(NM) : Oppressed(NM)
    Sym­bol Origi­nal
    Left-wing mean­ing
    ¬ or ! Not Racism
    Not true Racism
    And Racism
    For all Accor­ding To Need
    There exists From Each
    Doesn't exist Geno­cide Victim
    ∅ or {} Noth­ing­ness Racism
    Implies Pa­tri­arch­al Op­pres­sion
    Infinity All The World As One
    Equiv­alent Wealth Redis­trib­ution
    Sum Racism
    = Equal to Equality
    < Less than Oppres­sed Minor­ity
    > Great­er than Privil­eged Op­pres­sor
    >= Great­er
    or equal to
    More Equal Than
    Chess Rape
    If viewing on a cell phone, drag table left or right to scroll.

    If B is a minority (never use 'A', because the letter A already has hegemony over the others), then all Bs are oppressed and you are racist for even talking about it, because talking about something implies that it might not be true, which would be racist; you would then be a racism denier.

    The Official Status Hierarchy is a secret. Mentioning its existence is racist. Mentioning that mentioning its existence is racist is racist.

    The OSH is enforced by defining a list of forbidden words. Anyone who dares use one, or a word that sounds vaguely like one, is by definition a racist. The list is a closely held secret. Saying that there is a list is racist. Denying there's a list is also racist.

  2. LWL cannot be understood without accounting for the probative value of emotion. The appeal to emotion is an integral part of LWL.

    Emotional value is a subset of truth value. For example, if B and C are different minorities, and 50 Bs have been discriminated against but only 49 Cs have been discriminated against, then B >= C. That is, B is more equal than C.

    Discriminated(B) > Discriminated(C) B >= C

    Asking how one decides who is discriminated against more implies that the questioner is unsure about the answer and is therefore a racist.

  3. Diversity does not mean that there are equal numbers of each group:
    Diversity(x) != =(x)
    However, diversity equals equality.
    Diversity : =
    This apparent glaring contradiction can be explained by the fact that diversity does not mean diversity. It means the minority is more than the majority. That is, when
    (<) > (>)
    then things are more equal. In other words,
    (<) > (>) >=
    Stated in English (or, at least, in words), the above statement is read: “Less is more than more implies more equal.” or in English: “When there are more minorities than majorities, there is more equality.”

    It is racist to point out that when there are more minorities than majorities, minority and majority are switched. Therefore, equality is itself racist. Inequality is also racist. Complaining about it makes you a hegemonic colonialist oppressor and a racist.

    Perfect diversity (and therefore perfect equality) occurs when only minorities are present:
    (> 0) (Diversity ∞)
    From this, one can deduce that equality does not equal equality.
    ⊥ (= = =)
    That is, not equals equals equals.
    ¬= = =
    It has been objected that this line of reasoning also can be used to prove that 0 = 1, which is a little inconvenient. However, this line of thought would be homophobic, and anyway, math is a heteronormative narrative of the patriarchal hegemonic privilege.
    ∃0 = ∃1 Homophobic
    1 = 0 is also patriarchal and heteronormative because 1 = penis and 0 = ovary.

  4. The number of races and genders increases to infinity. (∑R ∞) ∧ (∑G ∞). Therefore,
    R = G.
    Race equals gender.

    In practice, however, this is not really true because R and G cannot exceed the population of the Earth (7,244,000,000). Moreover, race and gender are social constructs, and therefore neither of them exist.
    ∄R = ∄G = ∀R = ∀G = { } = ∅.
    But since each person can be one or more of the 58 known genders, this means there are actually 7,244,000,000 × 58! = 7,244,000,000 × 2.35056133128228×1078 = 1.70274662838×1088 differently gendered individuals. Since it has not yet been determined how many different races a person can be at one time, it is still not 100% certain that R = G. Calculating it would be patriarchal.

    Since gender does not exist, 1.70274662838×1088 = 0.
    Triple equality bumper sticker
    A bumper sticker claiming that equality means to treat people equally. This is a heretical concept in LWL.

    The bumper sticker at right says that equality means equal (“= = =”). This is racist, sexist and homophobic because, in the name of equality, if A is to be made equal to B, then as demonstrated earlier A must be more equal than B.
    A = B A >= B;
    Therefore the car with the racist, sexist, islamophobic bumper sticker must be keyed in the interests of social justice.

  5. Syllogisms

    LWL has developed a new type of syllogism whose purpose is to immunize LWLers from the accusations they make toward others. It's based partly on equivocation between groups and individuals, and partly on terms that are defined in such a way that LWLers are exempt from them. This requires great ingenuity.

    First, the argument that would be used by normal people:

    Racism means hating other races.
    Therefore anyone who hates other races is a racist.

    Here is the non-Euclidean LWL version:

    Violence and racism are inherent in The System.
    Therefore only members of The System can be racist.
    Leftists are opposed to The System and are not part of The
      System, by definition, even if they are elected officials.
    Therefore left-wingers can never be violent or racist,
      no matter how much they hate other races.

    These syllogisms are far too sophisticated to be understood by normal people. Only enlightened people of superior intellect can understand them. Using the term ‘superior’ is racist. Using the term ‘intellect’ is a racist microaggression. Stating that LWL is different from normal logic is racist.

  6. Hispanic logic goes like this: Q: Is the car red? A: Chess!
    ∃x: Red(x) ?

    We are still a little confused about this one; all we know for sure is that mentioning it is racist. This is not surprising, since based on the above, everything is racist:

    ∀x : Racist(x)

    Speaking of chess, we all know chess is imperialistic and colonialist. But it is also sexist: the goal is to mate by force, i.e. rape. The pawns are oppressed and have little income equality. Chess players speak of ‘taking’ the queen (also by force). Therefore, playing chess is rape.
    = 😢

The right-winger's response to this kind of logic—“Get a damn job, hippie!”—is not sufficient. We must study and master this non-Euclidean logic so that we too might hope, someday, to become enlightened superior beings.

See also:


Society's immortal soul

Pascal's Wager

Name and address
jun 07, 2015; revised jun 10, 2015; last updated jun 12, 2015