To prepare for this endeavor, I watched several episodes of a TV show in which a couple does simple repairs to their house, like tearing out all the plumbing and dismantling the roof in order to add a gable, skylight and two-story garage. These repairs often make use of rented tools, such as the reciprocating two-headed grommet or the rechargeable laser-guided stapler gun, which saw extensive use recently in the deserts of Iraq. A typical episode of this show involves the wife carrying a load of cinderblocks and rebar up the hill and troweling cement into the foundation while the husband uses a jackhammer to break up the concrete floor of the basement to repair the damage caused by the previous week's repair. In the next episode, they replace the piping under the concrete with fiberglass-reinforced polyethylene which is surrounded by electrical heating tape to keep the waste at a constant temperature. This avoids the hazards of frozen waste, a big problem in California where the outside temperature sometimes goes as low as 59°F (15°C). All the while, the carpenters can be heard in the background sawing and hammering on the new roof, saying things like "Hey Hulio, watch out for that hammer, man!"

However, after watching the first few episodes of this show, I became so exhausted that I decided to start out small and installed a wireless thermometer instead. This is a relatively simple construction task that consists of putting a small transmitter on one side of the window and a receiver on the other side, ensuring that they are not more than three inches (0.07 cm) apart from each other to ensure good reception. Of course, the window must be perfectly clean or the signal will be blocked. Then, every three hours or so, the transmitter measures the temperature and bounces a 433 MHz signal off a nearby satellite standing in geosynchronous orbit to the receiver sitting on your desk where the temperature is displayed. This is a tremendous convenience since it is no longer necessary to reach over and touch the window to find out how cold it is.

Unfortunately, while recovering from this exhausting construction task, I discovered that some of the digits in the receiver had stopped working. This provided an opportunity to show my true construction talent, taking the receiver apart and admiring the modern engineering skills that are involved in creating a device that falls into a pile of apparently unrelated parts after the removal of a single screw. This is, of course, done to prevent competitors from discovering how the device is built. This construction technique was originally pioneered by the Japanese and later adopted by mainland China, which has as a result become the world's largest supplier of electrical appliances, while importing a minimal number of screws. The American consumer then buys them, thereby keeping the world economy afloat.

Luckily, I was finally able to reassemble the receiver and get most of the digits to work. I even had several parts left over, including some 4-100 x 1/8" (0.027 mm o.d.) screws and a small rubber grommet which I added to my increasing supply of extra pieces that accumulate every time I take apart my computer. I am happy to report that the outside temperature is now 9.5L degrees Fahrenheit.

Another task that has prevented me from writing any new columns is that of learning to play the piano. Your esteemed correspondent has been practicing extensively on this instrument (known affectionately by his neighbors as "that g**d*** piano of his") and has discovered, to everyone's amazement, that he has no musical talent whatsoever.

However, I am pleased to report that, despite this handicap, I have made considerable progress. For example, after a few false starts, I discovered that there are a few tricks that make it much easier. I will pass these tips on in the hopes that other aspiring Van Cliburns who are afflicted with pianist envy might benefit from my experience.

1. The main trick to playing the piano, I discovered, is to press down on those little black and white things on the front part of the piano. This gives a much nicer sound than strumming the piano or blowing into it, which actually produces very little sound. However, contemporary musicians sometimes break this rule, so the beginner must familiarize himself or herself with these techniques as well.
2. An important and difficult task for beginners is to avoid getting your fingers stuck between the keys. The space between the A-flat and B-flat (or ``F'' if your piano uses the metric system) is particularly dangerous in this regard. Getting your fingers stuck in the piano can be painful and embarrassing. Beginners should always keep a portable phone nearby so they can call 911 in case of an emergency. Be sure to request that they bring along the "jaws of life".

I also have trouble playing by ear. Every time I try, I hit five or six keys at the same time. I'll report back when I get this technique worked out.

The piano is far easier to play than the my previous instrument, the saw. I still have scars from my years of trying to get a good sound out of this challenging (and actually somewhat dangerous) instrument. It was even harder to get a good sound out of the Black and Decker Gk1630Tk that I replaced it with. And the "band saw", which initially showed so much promise for getting that big band sound, did nothing more than make a loud buzzing sound whenever I tried to play it.

June 29, 2003
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