alloween is the only time of the year when you can give somebody
else's kids candy without getting thrown in jail. It's also a great
way for the neighborhood kids to meet their neighbors. If you have
neighbors who still think it's fun to wear Halloween costumes even
though they're fully grown adults, that's also something you need
to know.
We never had trick-or-treaters out in the country. It might have been because of the mile-long unlit dirt driveways. Or maybe it was all the skunks and the signs warning about land mines and unexploded ammunition that kept them away. Here in the burbs I've only got two neighbors. I never realized how many kids they have. They must have dozens of them.
The greatest Halloween costume of all time: Skeleton of man riding a horse on display at the Australian Museum in Sydney, Australia is called the Bone Ranger (Image source: justapedia.com / Public domain)
The UK Daily Mail recommends giving them Play-Doh instead of candy. Youngsters, they say, should be given a new toothbrush after they finish their treats. Parents should make sure children brush their teeth with fluoride toothpaste before going to bed, even if they are tired.
The comments these ideas elicited are priceless:
That's the last time I listen to advice from so-called experts. Little Nobby has reported me to child line. It took him 20 minutes of chewing the stuff and now he's severely constipated!
That's a good idea, when I was young I loved eating playdoh.
I predict a lot of tummy aches...
It's tempting to give them little toothbrushes instead of candy, but I suspect it will be hard to understand their response through their masks. It will probably sound something like “Q shole!”
Here are some more useful tips.
Know what your kids' costumes are so you can pick them out of a line-up. It's best to take photos beforehand, and make sure you have enough money to bail them out in case they get arrested.
Before they head out, make an inventory of their tattoos in case they stop at a tattoo parlor by mistake.
I supposed we don't get too many wizards these days, but if you do, be sure to inspect their magic wand. “Hmmm. Polypropylene . . . dog hair . . . ten and a half inches . . . blue LED . . . AAA battery . . . . This was the wand that belonged to Huaibao Manufacturing Company. Treat it carefully.” They'll be impressed. If your kid comes back turned into a water goblet, and he wasn't one when he left, it is wise to avoid that house next year.
The kids we had last year had large shopping bags weighed down with milkshakes and soda. It's best to offload these heavy items in your SUV for them every few neighborhoods you hit. Also, check their candy after they return in case they come back with cans of Pennzoil and yellowjacket traps. If so, it means they stopped off at the nearby Home Depot store. These items are considered unlucky to open inside the house.
Finally, make sure they're wearing warm clothing, their mace canisters are fully charged, they have a fresh magazine for their Glock, and their thermal infrared night vision goggles have fresh batteries. You want them back safe, but you also want them out of prison, I assume, so make sure they've received proper firearms training.
The biggest benefit of Halloween is that it helps little kids overcome their fear of adults. They need to understand that not everyone is a monster who wants to harm them. They don't see it that way; they just want more carbohydrates.
Update, Nov. 1 2024 The kids refused to take the Flamin' Hot Flavored Cheetos I offered them. I gave them more sugary stuff, but I got stuck with 18 bags of those horrible things. They're coated with monosodium glutamate and by God they're awful. Cheetos are already illegal in the UK. They'd probably classify these as weapons of mass destruction. That's about the effect they have on my digestion. Somehow those kids knew.
oct 30 2024
