The Al Gore Effect: Theoretical Basis

Abstract

Recent research has shown that the mere presence of Al Gore is able to reduce ambient temperatures by approximately 27.6°C. This phenomenon is termed the "Al Gore Effect." Various theories about the physical mechanism of this phenomenon, its dangers, and its potential usefulness in fighting global warming are discussed.

The Al Gore Effect

A few years ago, in November 2006, Al Gore went to Australia and New Zealand to preach to the wallabies, and their human companions, about global warming. The Australian state of Victoria (largest city: Melbourne), which has an average temperature of 71.2°F in November (November being late spring/early summer there), got snow. The state of Queensland reported the first snow on that date since 1941.

Poster advertising the documentary about New York City titled "The Day After Al Gore"

Almost three years earlier, in January 2004, Al Gore had spoken in New York City, and produced the coldest temperatures in almost fifty years. Likewise in Boston of the same year. Ever the modest gentleman, Al Gore attributed the effects not to the phenomenal energy- and life-force-sucking power of his presence, but to global warming (which is, in retrospect, not surprising, since Al Gore attributes everything to global warming).

Then, in late 2007, Al Gore did it again, while in Bali attending the Global Warming conference. Luckily, it's virtually impossible for snow to fall in Bali. But back in America, right on cue, twelve inches of snow fell on Chicago; there were record ice storms in the Midwest, and up to 18 inches of snow in the Northeast. Maine tied a 117-year record for snow. Al Gore's powers appear to be increasing exponentially. Clearly, he no longer needs to be physically present; he can produce record cold temperatures anywhere on the globe just by speaking about global warming. Since Al Gore won the Kentucky Derby in 2007, his climate-altering properties have increased even more.

This remarkable ability to influence climate is not limited to Al Gore. The former Republican governor of Maryland, Bob Ehrlich, had a similar preternatural ability to change the weather. For at least two years before he took office, Maryland was in a near-perpetual state of drought. Suddenly, after Ehrlich took office in 2003, the skies opened. By the end of his term in 2007, it had reached near-biblical proportions. Parts of Montgomery County had to be evacuated. Now under the Democrat O'Malley, Maryland is back to hard times and drought-like conditions.

Bill Clinton had a similar ability, but with Clinton it was not snow or rain, but wind. Because of this, Bill Clinton's name will be forever associated with "blowing." (Heh. Sorry, cheap joke.)

In this paper, we will discuss possible theoretical explanations for this effect. If Al Gore's power could be harnessed, not only could global warming be eliminated, but so could the need for air conditioners, refrigerators, Snow Cone machines, and, indeed, all types of cryogenic equipment. However, despite intensive research, there is as yet no clear explanation of the Gore Effect.

Theoretical Explanations

In the past several years, researchers have come up with several theories to explain the Al Gore Effect.

View of main street during Gore's speech last August in Dallas, Texas. As a result of this speech, it became so cold that 17 school children got their tongues stuck to metal lampposts.

Theory 1. Al Gore is really Karl Rove's weather modification machine.
Karl Rove's weather modification machine became famous when President Bush used it to flood New Orleans during Hurricane Katrina in order to kill off all the black people. Could Rovian technology really be advanced enough to mimic the appearance of somebody from Tennessee? Al Gore appears human, but even back during the 2000 elections, many people commented on his wooden and somewhat mechanical demeanor. What if...?

Theory 2. It is proof of the existence of a Supreme Being. Could a cosmic jokester be photoshopping the Earth's weather in much the same way that the Reuters Photoshopping Agency and the Canadian Broadcasting Corporation photoshop their news photographs? The CBC was caught photoshopping images, in this case making an image of smokestacks appear brown to make it appear that they were emitting brown pollution instead of what they were really emitting, which was condensed water vapor. Things like this might well motivate a Supreme Being, perhaps having become cynical or bored after all these years, to play similar tricks on mankind.

Theory 3. Quantum mechanics. In quantum mechanics, if you observe a phenomenon, you change it. Al Gore presumably would have to have an extraordinarily high degree of quantum uncertainty to produce an effect large enough to influence the weather. But like Schrödinger's cat, if no one can tell whether he is alive or dead, then everything that surrounds him is likewise in a state of quantum flux. Certainly, many people have experienced difficulty in determining whether Al Gore was alive or dead. So it is possible.

Theory 4. The power of visualizing world coolness. Think global coldness. Wish for global coolness. Be global coolness. Then it will, like, totally happen, man.

Theory 5. Thermal disequilibrium. Currently, the most favored theory is that Al Gore may exist in a special state of matter known as a Bose-Einstein condensate. As Einstein predicted, matter in this low-energy state is extremely cold, for reasons that I don't really feel like getting into here. In a Bose-Einstein condensate, all the atoms move very slowly, at nearly the same velocity. It is not known, however, how Al Gore's molecules could have gotten into this state, which would have required him to move very slowly indeed and to achieve a state of almost complete absence of mental activity. For this reason, some researchers dispute this theory. As one researcher said, "If it were true, Al Gore would have to be a gas. We know from direct measurements of his interior that Al Gore is far too dense to be a gas."

Could Al Gore trigger an ice age?

However it works, Al Gore clearly must be careful not to overuse his power. Should he give too many speeches, it could easily push the Earth's climate past a Tipper point, which would lead us into yet another Global Climate Catastrophe. As an unbiased, objective, and apolitical climatologist, it's not necessary for me to point out that the ever-increasing unthinking corporate greed and wastefulness of modern capitalist society, as well as the selfish disregard for Mother Nature by corrupt chauvinistic rich cigar-smoking robber barons and greedy phallogocentric wealthy oil company executives, who exploit poor minority children and rape the planet of its natural resources, could push the delicate balance of our fragile blue planet Earth from one global climatic catastrophe to another.