Atheists in Foxholes

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We atheists have changed our minds about foxholes. Right now, they look pretty good. The news media, the Senate, and religious conservatives are giving us quite a beating about that crazy ruling by the 9th District Court making it illegal to say "Under God" in the Pledge of Allegiance.

For Heaven's sake, our aversion to foxholes is as as legendary as the Great Flood and as long-lived as Methuselah. We are just misunderstood. So, in the interest of promoting understanding among our disbelief-impaired brethren, here are some more little-known facts about atheists:

Fact 1: Not all atheists are liberals. We don't all believe the country will explode if the Pledge of Allegiance contains the words "under God". After all, how can you be `under' something that doesn't exist? Christ!

Speaking of liberals, the Bible has a distinct liberal bias. Heaven help us if Ann Coulter finds out about this. The word "conservative" doesn't even appear in the Bible, yet liberals are mentioned 12 times, the most favorably in this line: "But the liberal deviseth liberal things; and by liberal things shall he stand." (Isaiah 32:8). Truer words were never spoken. There is indeed much truth in the Bible. Wait -- what am I saying?

Fact 2: Some foxholes are not so bad. Put some curtains in, maybe a couple of throw rugs. Hell, maybe we'd go in them once in a while.

Fact 3: Only 5% of the population are atheists. This is the same as the percentage that are left-handed. Is there a connection? Speaking of left-handedness, let's talk about the discrimination against left-handed people. We have bathroom sinks with more space on the right than the left. Right-handed desks. Refrigerator doors with the handle on the left. It's subtle discrimination, but it's been going on for hundreds of years. We deserve millions in reparations. Billions.

Fact 4: Not all atheists are left-handed. I know, nobody cares about this but me. But the Bible is full of strange sayings about left-handed people. Perhaps the most sinister one is where Jesus says, "Then shall the King say unto them on his right hand, Come, ye blessed of my Father, inherit the kingdom prepared for you ...." (Matthew 25:34), followed shortly thereafter by this: "Then shall he say also unto them on the left hand, Depart from me, ye cursed, into everlasting fire, prepared for the devil and his angels." (Matthew 25:41).

This is the most un-evenhanded policy imaginable. But for the grace of God, we too might have been right-handed.

To be fair, he also says: "And if thy right hand offend thee, cut if off, and cast it from thee." (Matthew 5:30). This obviously favors left-handed people -- or at least creates more of them.

Fact 5: Most atheists don't think about religion at all. So we're just like most believers - except more so. After a while, it's hard to imagine people arguing about something with as little chance of being resolved as religion. But there are many, atheists and religious persons alike, who do. God save us from them. Damn, I did it again.


Randi Barna writes:
The Bible does have two highly favorable references to leftys.

In Judges 20:16 there are 700 leftys in the Israel army who can sling stones at a hair and not miss.

In Judges 3:15 the Lord sends Israel a deliverer: Ehud - a lefty.

July 10, 2002; last updated Oct 22, 2006