The Food Groups Color Code

Most people know about the four major food groups, and the so-called food pyramid. However, it is actually more effective to group foods according to their color than by their nutrient content. Your diet will not only be healthy, it will be color-coordinated. When mixing foods from different food groups, be sure to stir thoroughly, or your food could come out looking gay. There are eight major food groups: red, mauve, orange, yellow, green, brown, black, and white.

The four main food groups
The Red Food Group

The Mauve Food Group
The mauve food group was originated by singer Mariah Carey, who eats only purple foods to prevent wrinkles.

The Orange Food Group
In earlier times, carrots and similar vegetables in the orange food group were sometimes regarded as food items, but their principal use today is as metaphors in news stories about political figures. Journalists are taught how to use food analogies in Journalism 101, as in the sentence, "The President, who has the IQ of a carrot, promised to veto the proposed legislation," or "The Speaker of the House, Nancy Pelosi, who is no smarter than an asparagus and looks like a kumquat, expressed interest today in raising the capital gains tax."

Carrots have also frequently been used as instruments of foreign policy. They are highly prized by foreign governments, because of their high beta-carotene content.

Foods in the orange food group:

The Yellow Food Group
Yellow foods can cancel out the deadly resveratrol that is sometimes found in foods from the purple food group.

The Green Food Group
Green foods contain indoles, sulforaphane, isothiocyanate, and allyl sulfides. Do you really want these deadly-sounding chemicals in your system? Green molecules contain conjugated bonds rich in electrons, which makes them highly efficient free radical scavengers. When mixed with red molecules (which contain anti-electrons or positrons), they turn brown, making it nutritionally balanced.

The Brown Food Group
Brown food is nearly perfect in its nutritional balance. It is also the ideal food for those seeking a return to nature, since it is the same color as products, such as dirt, that are found ubiquitously in nature.

The Black Food Group
The black food group is highest in nutritional value, because black contains all the colors of the rainbow mixed together. Black foods are rich in polyphenols called thearubigins. Tar is considered the perfect food in the black food group, and is rich in nutrients such as benzanthrene, toluene, naphthalene, creosote, and a variety of polycyclic aromatic hydrocarbons (PAHs). However, it should be noted that there is considerable dispute about the health benefits of both PAHs and creosote.

The White Food Group
White-colored foods are usually highly processed and refined foods with little nutritional value and should generally be avoided.

Note While writing this, I discovered that there is a real book by James Joseph et al. that recommends using food colors to select nutritious foods. Their theory is serious, and should not be confused with my high-tar and roast beef diet, which is far superior. David Heber of the UCLA Center for Human Nutrition has also devised a color code for food. However, it includes only vegetables. Some of the more important nutrients in the American diet, such as tar, coffee, nitrite, and potato chips, are completely omitted by Heber's theory. This page is not intended as criticism of either of these two other theories. Seriously.