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Saturday, June 12, 2021 | Satire

Strange things started happening to me after I got vaccinated (Satire)

I finally got around to getting a Covid vaccine. Now forks are sticking to my head, drones crash around me, and I can no longer get Wi-Fi

Now that Covid-19 is ancient history and no longer a problem, I finally got around to getting vaccinated against it.

At first everything seemed fine. Then I walked into the kitchen. As I passed the silverware drawer, there was a loud clanking noise. I realized I had suddenly gained about twenty pounds and there were forks flying everywhere.

Now, I'm sure this is just a coincidence. After all, sometimes metal objects, even if they're not paramagnetic, just stick to people. Anyway, I've been vaccinated so many times with messenger RNA and vaccines containing all manner of unknown technology that I'm actually more virus than human. My influenza viruses are so confused that they've probably given up and turned into a giant ball of random RNA molecules. They're probably recombining to create the next plague at this very moment. There's no telling what would happen if I got an STD.

blue screen of death

After being vaccinated, I found myself admiring Microsoft Windows

The next symptom was that something started going wonky with my Wi-Fi. Now, I expected to get interference on 5G, but this was unexpected. I had to pull Cat-6 cable to my bedroom because, for some odd reason, my laptop kept getting a bad signal. And I couldn't sleep with all the crashing sounds of drones smashing into the ground outside my window.

I realized with horror that I am now emitting vast quantities of electromagnetic radiation, mostly at 5G frequencies but also in the 801.11g bands. There are some advantages: fluorescent lights automatically light up as I walk past them, and I no longer need my microwave oven. I can charge my cell phone just by holding it in my hand.

Then last night I had a dream that I curled up into a ball and sprouted spikes. But the worst thing is that all of a sudden I started liking Microsoft Windows.

Visual Studio

Visual Studio output screen

This was something I never expected. In the past, whenever I was forced to use MS Word, I would find it annoying and frustrating. Menu items on the top ribbon would appear or disappear depending on the width of the window. If I edited, say, page 16, an illustration on page 2 would sometimes just disappear. Documents would re-format themselves when I saved them in docx format instead of doc, erasing everything I had typed in. Giant areas of uneraseable white space would suddenly appear for no reason. If two tables got too close together, they would become stuck together permanently. Text boxes would disappear into nothingness in the bottom margin instead of moving to the next page, as if the software had an incomplete grasp of the concept of pages. And little pop-ups would appear at random times, obscuring whatever I was typing.

Last week it informed me it needs to download Azerbaijani fonts—right now—or else. Then yesterday my hand slipped when I tried to open a directory. Instead of opening the directory, it copied the entire contents someplace else, deleted all the files, and then claimed they didn't exist. Eventually I found them in a folder hidden inside another folder.

No longer. Now MS Word works perfectly. Yesterday I downloaded all 581 packages of Visual Studio C++ compiler. I've noticed that with dot-net Maui Preview 4, I no longer even need a computer. I can compile Windows apps in my brain. Also, not only can I also compile iOS and android apps in C# using Xamarin, they somehow automatically transfer themselves to my cell phone. Copies of all my thoughts are being transferred to the Internet and stored on something called Azure.

This, I realized, is a tremendous convenience. The only problem is that whenever I try to remember something I keep getting ads for new Microsoft products and/or services. Also, Linux suddenly no longer works. But now I realize this is how things are supposed to be. These vaccines are great.

Note to the humor-impaired: the above is satire. The vaccine didn't really get me to like MS Word.

june 12 2021, 5:44 am

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