The Prophecies of Bruce de Nostradamus

Nostradamus wearing Reagan T-shirt Bruce de Nostradamus (1507-1579) was the younger brother of the French apothecary and prophet Michele de Nostradamus, who wrote Les Propheties, a book of predictions detailing the future of humanity up to the year 3797. Bruce Nostradamus is not as famous as his older brother, partly because his quatrains were not very good (they didn't rhyme, did not always consist of four lines, and often didn't make sense), and also because he was not as skilled at astrology as his older and smarter brother. In addition, he is known to have plagiarized several verses from his brother's work. He starts his predictions where his brother left off, at Century 13.

A popular belief is that unlike his brother, who used a form of of divination known as judicial astrology to make predictions, Bruce de Nostradamus obtained his predictions from an Apple iPhone that somehow turned up, along with some mysterious T-shirts, in his villa in Saint-Rémy-de-Provence in the south of France in August of 1566. This theory may explain his reaction of utter bafflement he expresses about some of his own predictions.

Bruce de Nostradamus is famous for saying, "A wand in the hand is worth two in the bush," which he published in a book titled Bruce's Almanach & pronostication pour l'an 1553. On les vend a Lyon par Francoys et Benoist Chaussard frères demeurât près nostre dame de Confort. Fin pour les livres en retard trois francs par jour. His quote about the "wand" is generally interpreted as a criticism of his brother Michele's excessive use of distinctively-shaped accessories such as magic wands, candles, and sex toys to make predictions, and reflects the feelings of intense rivalry between these two siblings. The aphorism was later adapted and modified by the American inventor Benjamin Franklin. While his brother's work often tended toward eschatology, Bruce de Nostradamus' work was notable for his extensive use of scatology.

Century 13.
Quatrain 13.1
La verge en main mise au milieu de Branches
"Cherchez votre feelings, Luke, you know this to be true!"
Un peur & voix fremissant par les manches:
Splendeur Death Star. Le divin pres s'assied.
La compagnie de AT&T est possédée par l'antichriste. Merdre.
In a place far away, the heavy-breathing one will slay his master.
But the lightning will strike him down:
And the Black One will die in his son's arms.
The phone company will somehow be involved in this.
Don't ask me how. Oh, fudge.
Quatrain 13.2
Le network Warner Brothers sera rincé en bas de la toilette.
Elles souffriront de la mal de coiffure terrible,
Qui sera si mauvaise que les gens les confondent avec Nancy Pelosi.
Ces shiksas seront des actrices très mauvaises.
Je n'ai aucun indice ce qui se produira.
The three charmed ones will rule the "WB".
Their hair-dos will be awful.
They will die and come back to life more times than Sticks 'n' Stuff goes out of business.
But it will prove impossible to tell which of them is the dumb one.
Even I, the great prophet Bruce de Nostradamus, cannot divine this.
Quatrain 13.3
À la tête. À la tête. À la tête. Ces mots je voient
continuellement. Mais leur signification je les ne sondent pas.
Double Merdre.
Head on, Head on, Head on. these words do I see continually.
But their meaning I fathom it not.
Darn it.
Quatrain 13.4
Les animaux qui sont sauvages de la faim, nagent sur des fleuves : La plus grande partie de la région est contre le Hister qui grande
veranlaesst lui on traîne dans un cadre en fer si l'enfant allemand n'observe rien.
Le bâtard. [1]
The greater part of the army will be against the Hister channel:
For they have forgotten how to use the past tense,
And speak only of strange flying objects in the sky.
And stories about my brother, Michele de, who took all the credit
for predicting the future.
The crumb-bum. [1]
Quatrain 13.5
Il y aura dix millions d'alertes de nouvelles de renard.
Une blonde disparaîtra pendant une chasse de voiture.
Ceci ouvrira un trou noir.
Là pleurera et grincera des dents à le Sea Eenona et Mizenbuc.
Something called a Fox News Alert will be in great abundance,
like the ... wait: Fox news... wait, This is a Fox News alert!
A blonde will disappear during a car chase, causing a black
hole to open up in the space-time continuum.
At CNN and MSNBC great hardships will be suffered.
Quatrain 13.6
When Venus is in Uranus [3], no wait, when Aires The Ram is in Virgo ...
They will find a way to make your penis bigger.
Dr. Mgabe Ubmeki will leave behind 22 million in his bank account.
His banker will email people randomly asking for help.
Quatrain 13.7
FOR, DEXP, LORON plus feu qu'à sang sera. Zut alors, chacun sera coincé dans un Studebaker,
de tels rhinocéros ont les yeux unblinking. C'est le sign de 666.
Et voilà le Citröen est le 反基督者.
L'enfer, c'est l'auto.
The fate of humanity too terrible to behold...I perceive
millions trapped inside hideous shiny beasts with glowing,
unblinking eyes ... The sound of these beasts is that of an
enraged rhinoceros. These beasts have a name known only to
the devil himself ... Hearken and weep; for the Antichrist has a name, and its name is: FOR DEXP LORO.
Quatrain 13.8
Les gens marcheront autour du hurlement dans de petites
boîtes en plastique. Je suis à Eckveldt... Je serai là dans
quelques minutes... Où êtes-vous maintenant ? ...
Au cas où j'obtenir du pain ? Non, non mort, pain.
Ce qui ? Mercredi. Merdre.
People will walk around yelling into small plastic boxes.
I'm on the train. ... I'll be there in a few minutes ... Where
are you now? ... Should I get some bread? No, not dead, bread.
What? Tuesday! Oh, shoot.
Quatrain 13.9
taH pagh taHbe'! 'oH ghaH QaQ jaj Daq Hegh
vaj jaS jach Qogh, 'ej jajDaj tlvnIS targh!
jIHaghqangbe'law'; jIreHqangbe'law'. cha baH!
Qapla'. Qu'vatlh! [2]
The green ones will be coveted, the brown ones thrown away.
The "koop" will warn it is not really an aphrodisiac.
A warning to the people to exercise more and stop eating so much sugar. Good luck. Sheesh. [2]
Quatrain 13.10
Les nafkas sont partout aprés le malediction de garde-robe.
Une shiksa de Brittany découpera sans découlletage.
Il n'y a aucun sous-vêtement dans le véhicule.
Gutinue, quelle shanda parmi les masses appauvries !
Janet Jackson and Ashanti will experience wardrobe malfunctions.
A girl from Britney will be distressed after googling herself.
Clothing and undergarments can scarcely be seen.
Oh, what shame among the impoverished masses!
Quatrain 13.11
Des biscuits mous seront mangés avec vin blanc de Narbonne.
Ceci posera un problème. Pourquoi je ne sais pas.
I.M'd par les masses, un petit podcast de volonté de Buisson
son état de l'adresse des syndicats.
A number of Limp Bizkits will be eaten with white wine.
This will cause a scandal for some reason.
IM'ed by the masses, a smaller Bush
will podcast his State of the Union Address.
Quatrain 13.12
Par Albanois Mars, Leo, Saturne in versien.
Sur liquidity qu'on dict des zero down en mensongiers,
Du tout Torrent et champ Athenien:
Perir eau Nymes, Tholose cheoir les halles avec le 1.425-1.600% APR.
When Saturn is in Aquarius and Mars is in Leo:
Bernanke will tighten his grip on the Fed,
Causing the yield on ten-year notes to go higher.
The market will be driven to unrealistic highs by private equity.
But economic growth will experience a downturn due to an excess of sub-prime mortgages.

[1] The irony of calling his own brother a bastard seems to have escaped Bruce de Nostradamus.
[2] Like his brother, Bruce de Nostradamus often used other languages to obscure his meaning. However, in this quatrain, Bruce de Nostradamus clearly surpasses his brother by obscuring his prophecies in Klingon, a language that was not invented until 400 years after his death.
[3] Bruce Nostradamus's remarkable ability to predict the future is evident in this prophecy, where he bases his astrological predictions on the movements of Uranus, a planet which was not discovered until 1781, over 202 years after his death. Elsewhere, he even mentions the planet Clinton, a planet that has still not been discovered.

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