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Monday, March 06, 2017

Stop calling left-wingers anarchists

Just because they wear black and call themselves anarchists doesn't mean they're really anarchists.

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Dear Editor:

As a card-carrying member of the Anarchist Party (our motto: We promise not to do a god damn thing!) I find it disturbing to see your paper besmirch our good name by associating our party with the left-wing moonbats and rioters displayed on your front page.  

Although they might call themselves anarchists, they are not. Their form of anarchism is weak and soft. Only in our party is there pure anarchy!

Just because Hillary supporters dress in black, wear balaclavas, throw rocks and bottles at police, and call themselves anarchists, it does not make them anarchists. It should not escape anyone's notice that these are actually Democrats who want more government, not less.

True anarchists are neither left wing nor right wing; we believe all political parties, including our own, are evil and that if, by some miracle, one of us were elected to public office he or she should resign immediately. We've worked hard to uphold this principle, and I am proud to say that since our organization was founded not one of us has ever been elected to any office.

We are proud to advocate the oldest form of government ever devised. We work hard to ensure that no government should ever take action on anything, and that every individual has the right to do what ever they want, just as our forefathers did 11,000 years ago.

In those days, people stood up for their principles. Our heroes were men and women who worked to bring the blessings of chaos and disorder to all men, women, and children, be they Homo Sapiens, Neanderthal, or Cro-Magnon. You will never see true anarchists having their email intercepted by Russians, nor will you ever see us carrying a pre-printed sign or throwing a store-bought Molotov cocktail.

Like any popular political anti-political group, we have had an occasional bad apple infiltrate our movement; because of our inherent aversion to rules we can't throw them out, so we have had more than most. But we are proud to say that our annual meetings are sheer anarchy.

History, as they say, is written by the wieners and our name has been besmirched by a few anti-globalist hotheads who protested against the WTO and World Economic Forum. The fact that we have no rules and no organization means that anyone may call him- or herself an anarchist. Our membership consists entirely of splinter groups; indeed, it is our organization's most sacred principle that disorganization must prevail, and as the world's premier advocates of anarchy and disorder we display these qualities in abundance.

I would also like to take this opportunity to say that we did not start World War I. Gavrio Princip, the guy who assassinated Archduke Franz Ferdinand, was not one of us! He was a member of the Black Hand society, which was a nationalist movement favoring a union between Bosnia-Herzegovina and Serbia. Just because his group had the word ‘black’ in its name does not make it an anarchist group.

No, the bad apples in our movement, which is most of us now you mention it, didn't kill Franz Ferdinand. You're probably thinking of US President McKinley or French President Sadi Carnot, or maybe the Wall Street bombing in 1920. Or maybe the 1893 Liceu opera bombing in Barcelona.


mar 06, 2017; last edited apr 27, 2017

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