Hillary's Three O'Clock in the Morning Phone Call

t's three o'clock in the morning and your children are safe and asleep. But there's a phone in the White House and it's ringing. Something's happening in the world. Who do you want answering that call?

The phone rings. President Hillary Clinton, still fully dressed, her glasses still on, bolts upright in bed.

Hillary: Hello? What is it? A sudden 3 a.m. economic meltdown? The Chinese attacking? What happened? I'm ready to take command!

Voice on phone (with Southern drawl): I've looked on many women with lust. I've committed adultery in my heart many times. God knows I will do this and forgives me.

Hillary: Bill, is that you? Where are you? Why aren't you here in bed?

Voice on phone: (Long pause) No, I'm not Bill.

Hillary: Who is this?

Voice on phone: Madam President, we must adjust to changing times and still hold to unchanging principles. Back in 1976, I said if I became President, I'd make every piece of information this country has about UFO sightings available to the public and the scientists. Mrs. President, I think it's time you came clean to the American people.

Second Voice on phone: Jimmy, give me that thing.

Second Voice on phone: Hello Hillary, it's me--Al. Madam President, you've got to do something about global warming! It's about to reach a Tipper p- I mean a tipping point!

Hillary: What?

First voice on phone (in background): Aggression unopposed becomes a contagious disease, Al.

Second Voice on phone: Take that peace prize and stuff it up your (muffled). (Sounds of struggle)

First voice on phone (panting): You talk big about inventing the Internet, Al. But let me tell you this: globalization, as defined by rich people like us, is a very nice thing. But it doesn't affect two-thirds of the people of the world.

Hillary: Do you two guys know what time it is?

Second Voice on phone: Jimmy, during my service in the United States Congress, I was the one who took the initiative in creating the Internet. We just wanted to say, Madame President, that there was never any doubt in our minds that men and women were equal, if not more so.

First voice on phone: You're a man of narrow vision, Al, who is afraid of the future. All you really invented was the Algorithm.

Second Voice on phone: I also worked hard to protect the endangered Texas eagle.

Hillary: I'm going back to bed.

First voice on phone: We are all in bed with the Israelis to the detriment of the well-being of the Palestinians!

Second Voice on phone: What have you got against the Israelis, Jimmy? Have you forgotten the Holocaust? The Holocaust was an obscene period in our nation's history. I mean in this century's history. But we all lived in this century. I didn't live in this century.

First voice on phone: Al, what we're living in is a national malaise. We need to accept reduced expectations.

Second Voice on phone: Jimmy, I asked you not to talk about that.

Second Voice on phone: Madam President, it's time for the human race to enter the solar system!

Hillary: < Click. >