Questions and Answers About Text Messaging

Many people find text messaging to be baffling. In fact, text messaging, also known as SMS, is very easy. However, there are some things you need to know. For example, you can't just send a text message. You need to have some sort of electronic device, like a telephone, before it will work. Here is a quick guide.

Q. What materials do I need?
A. You will need the following:

  1. A telephone, preferably a cell phone. If you don't have a cell phone, just crank the handle on your existing telephone and ask the operator how to purchase a cell phone with "SMS".
  2. A strong magnifying glass to see the buttons.
  3. A kid to translate any incoming messages. You can just grab one off the street and ask him or her, "Hey kid, what does 'USUX LOLROTFL' mean?"

Q. How is text messaging different from email?
A. The main difference is that text messaging is more expensive. Text messages are roughly 15 cents each, or 3,000 dollars each if you're roaming, which means you are more than six feet from a cell tower. (This is very unlikely in America, but could happen in some other countries.) You are charged when you send a message and when you receive a message, even if you didn't know you received a message and never read it.
Q. How do I actually send a message?
A. First, turn on your cell phone. Usually this can be done simply by flipping the lid up with one hand. The lid acts as an antenna. While it is on, it's a good idea to charge the battery. This can be done using its satellite feed. Hold the phone in one hand. Then, while looking up at the sky, say "ENERGIZE!"

Early brick cell phone Early cell phones were often shaped like bricks. Although they were easy to use, most had a range of only a few yards, and their texting capabilities were primitive by today's standards.

Q. What is the next step?
A. Okay, here's an example. Say you want to send a message like:
DUDE A GIANT METEORITE IS HEADED RIGHT FOR YOUR BUILDING, GET OUT FAST!
First, select a recipient from the phone book. Then type:
3 88 4 backspace 3 33 8 4 444 a 55 backspace backspace 66 7777 backspace backspace backspace backspace 8 6
At this point, there is nothing but a smoldering crater at your friend's location, so there is no point in finishing the message. Press CANCEL. Remember that in addition to the two hours it takes to type a text message, it takes somewhere between a few minutes and a week for it to be delivered. If the recipient is over age fifty, allow an extra two or three more hours for the recipient to look up the meaning of your abbreviations on the Internet.

Once your message is sent, the next step is to call the recipient and ask them if they got your text message. Finally, get out of your car and exchange insurance information with the driver of the car you just rear-ended while doing all these steps.

Q. Could you give maybe a better example?
A. Okay, here is a typical text message conversation. For example, suppose you wanted to tell your friend about your recent experience of jumping into an empty swimming pool.
I JST JMPD N2 AN MT SWIMING P%L.
OMGYG2BK I M ROTFLMAO R U OK D00D?
OMY HED HRTZ.

Q. How do I know if my cell phone does text messaging?
A. Grab some kid, show him or her your phone, and say, "Hey kid, does this telephone do text messaging?"

Q. Can I set my cell phone to play Bach's Toccata and Fugue in D Minor when a text message comes in?
A. No. Those ringtones are designed only for annoying people in restaurants, and do not work with text messaging.

Q. Suppose I have a T-Mobile account. Can I send a text message to someone with a Cingular phone?
A. Yes, that is easy!
First, call the recipient to find out what cell phone company they are using.
Then, call their cell phone company to find out the special email address that you need to use.
Then, just type the ten-digit phone number followed by the special email address, like this:
2125551212 mode scroll scroll scroll # backspace mode scroll scroll scroll @ 888 666 444 444 backspace backspace backspace 222 33 6 2 444 555 mode scroll scroll scroll . 222 666 6
followed by your message:
I 4GOT WHAT I WUZ GONNA SAY

Q. This sounds great! Is there a way to send text messages from, like, one computer to another?
A. Shyeah right. As if.

Q. How do I stop the clock from blinking 12:00?
A. It sounds like you are trying to send messages from your VCR. That is not going to work. The VCR and the cell phone are totally different devices.

Q. What is the difference?
A. A VCR has to be turned off before it will go on, while a cell phone has to be turned on before it will go off.

Q. What other benefits does Text Messaging offer?
A. One benefit is the Emergency Alert System. The limit of 160 characters per message allows for fast emergency messages. For example, if an emergency occurs, you will receive a message like the following:
THIS IS A TEST OF THE EMERGENCY ALERT SYSTEM. IN THE EVENT OF A REAL EMERGENCY, YOU WOULD RECEIVE A MESSAGE LIKE THIS. FOR MORE INFORMATION, PLEASE CALL 1-800-7
If you receive such a message, please call the emergency number in the message immediately to find out what it means.


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