Predictions for 2007
Start stocking up on dried crackers, salted peanuts, beef jerky and other survival gear. The coming year (which I predict will be called "2007") will be one of the most eventful yet. Last year's predictions were completely messed up, because of the tragic disappearance of Pluto from the Solar System, which totally screwed up our astrological calculations (I'm not sure why we didn't foresee it).
- New products Somewhere in North Carolina, a new type of donut will be invented which will become very popular. The first wireless books will be created. In California, the first implantable ID chips will be injected into school children.
- Korea Kim Jung-Il will mysteriously disappear from North Korea, only to turn up in San Francisco, California, visiting his relatives .
- Karl Rove After Karl Rove leaves the White House in early 2007, it will be revealed that he is actually a Knight Pelican of a secret organization dedicated to creating the New World Order (to which former President George H. W. Bush was a senior member). He will return to running his company dedicated to perfecting Rove's weather control device. In 2037, Karl Rove will perfect his particle beam weapon which, in addition to giving him mystical powers, allows him to become Master of the Universe. However, in 2044 his device malfunctions and damages Rove's vision and gives him a raspy voice, and Karl Rove is forced to wear a black helmet at all times. It will be revealed that he is actually the father of ... Oh wait, sorry. That was the story from Star Wars: The Emperor Strikes Back. Scratch that last prediction.
- Bush After successfully passing his amnesty program for illegal
immigrants, President Bush will be thrown out of the Republican party. In what
will become the biggest scandal so far in the 21st century, it will be revealed
that the person in the White House is not the real George W. Bush but actually
an artificial clone created by beings from the planet Skyron, and the
real President Bush is being held prisoner in a secret underground building
at Area 51 known as Building 31C.
In other news, President Bush will spend three weeks in the hospital after trying to pronounce "deoxyribonucleic acid."
- Europe The descendents of Jacques-Yves Cousteau will be indicted in the International Criminal Court for crimes against humanity for his allegedly having destroyed the ecosystem of the Mediterranean Sea. Israel will start building dikes in the Mediterranean Sea to expand its territory westward. Europeans, with the notable exception of the Dutch, will complain.
- Business Corporations will make large acquisitions in anticipation of a possible Democratic victory in 2008. GM will buy Ford (which will be nearly bankrupt by the end of 2007). George Soros will buy the bankrupt New York Times. Donald Trump will buy the morally bankrupt United Nations. Microsoft will buy a well-known Internet-based company. Also, the European Union will nationalize Airbus, which will be on the verge of bankruptcy.
- More Bankruptcies A major American hardware store chain whose name starts with an "H" will declare bankruptcy. Police investigators will be amazed as hundreds of persons previously listed as "missing" are suddenly discovered wandering around in the stores. These people, all males, had been wandering around in the store lost for months, unable to find the sheet metal, floor tile, and other hardware items.
- 2008 Election Results In 2008 a man named named Bill Owens (running mate: Mitt Romney) will be elected President of the United States, defeating the Democrats' Clinton/Obama ticket by a narrow margin. Other unsuccessful contenders for the presidency will be Joe Biden and Jeb Bush. The ticket of Barbra Streisand / Susan Sarandon in the newly-formed Hollywood (or "Holllllllllywood") party (motto: "Voters are morons") will be creamed by the voters, except in California, where it will receive enough votes to send a representative to Washington. Although Senator Carrot Top will be forced out of office after only two years, it will set the stage for the entry of Macaulay Culkin into politics. His appointment as Director of Homeland Security will, through a bizarre chain of circumstances, eventually lead to the fall of Western civilization.
- Environmentalists will blame global warming for the increase in terrorism, for a series of devastating floods and fires in North Korea, and for the deaths of hundreds of refugees who will flee Iran for Iraq during the Iran-Uzbekistan-Chechnya war. Oh yes, I almost forgot, there will be a war in Central Asia.
- Technology Compact fluorescent light bulbs and ice cream cones will be banned after a Muslim group complains that, when looked at from a certain angle, they resemble the Arabic word for "Allah". Comcast will also have Muslim troubles because its red crescent logo will be seen as an insinuation that Islam is a bloody religion. Dozens will be killed as Muslims riot to prove that this is not so. News reports will show little Comcast vans overturned and burning in the streets of America. However, it will turn out that they were not burned by Muslims (I mean "youths"), but by rogue Verizon DSL employees.
- Politics A well-known politician will receive a back injury. Doctors will be amazed to discover that the politician, according to X-rays, has no spine.
- Russia New details will emerge about President Bush's meeting with Vladimir Putin in Slovenia back in 2001. Bush was widely reported to have said, "I looked the man in the eye ... and was able to get a sense of his soul." In May 2007, the world will be shocked when a new audio tape appears in which Putin is heard saying, "Looking into my eyes. Is havink you now, more sleepier ... more sleepier, Boosh dahlink!"
- Cuba It will be revealed that the death of Fidel Castro from cancer was merely a clever ploy to allow him to maintain his grip on power even longer. Castro's unwillingness to make economic changes will only be exacerbated by the fact that he is now dead.
- China China will wait until after the 2008 American elections, then if a Democrat is elected, will make a covert move against North Korea in early 2009.
- Leprechauns According to the Portland Mercury , a student at the Art Institute of Portland, Oregon was expelled for questioning another student's belief in leprechauns. The good news is that he could be re-admitted if he undergoes a psychiatric evaluation (This is an actual news story).