Predictions for 2005
Well, 2005 promises to be a boring year, except for that one rather unfortunate event coming this August. So instead of predictions, we will review the world's events from the year 2105.
Mexico's government once again effectively ceased to function this year. No one noticed the difference, since the country has been completely vacant since 2027 when the United States finally implemented its "open borders amnesty" policy with Mexico.
Millions flocked to the Mexican state of Arizona last September after a woman reported seeing an image of Saint Bush in a giant taquita.
The International Climate Change Society (ICCS) once again warned the United North American Republic (which consists of the eastern parts of the former United States, along with the island of Cuba and the maritime provinces of the former country of Canadä) that it must take drastic action to prevent catastrophic global cooling, or face severe economic sanctions. Much of the ecological damage had been caused by misguided attempts by environmentalists (many of whom were executed as war criminals during the bitter Ecowars) to restrict carbon dioxide emissions back in the 21st century. Global cooling has been blamed for record high temperatures in Europe and for a dramatic increase in monsoons.
In December, a man was arrested in South Bend, Indiana for hate crimes after allegedly saying the words, "Merry Christmas!"
The Supreme Mullah of the Islamic European Union (IEU) issued another fatwa demanding that China withdraw its military forces from the Crimean peninsula and the territory of former East Ukraine. This conflict threatens to break the longest stretch of peace that lasted on the European continent since the last surviving native European was driven out and forced to emigrate to Iceland after Europe's bloody civil war of 2049-56.
The first commercial regular scheduled flights to the planet Venus began early this year. This historic event capitalizes on the enormous progress made since the first manned flight to Venus in 2062. In that year, the US sent a manned mission to Venus to study the effects of its CO2-filled atmosphere. The probe found the surface littered with the wreckage of over half dozen missing Mars probes including Europe's Beagle 2, Japan's Nozomi probe, and several of NASA's missing Mars landers.
In October, a junior high school student was sentenced to five years in prison for illegally possessing an apple. Several of his fellow students had to be hospitalized due to their potential exposure to the trace amounts of deadly alar with which the apple, believed to once have been a common food, may potentially have been treated. All foods and chemicals that contain the element chlorine were banned by the Treaty of Ittoqqortoormiit in 2061 (named after the famous resort city in Greenland) that marked the end of the Ecowars. This treaty has been blamed for the marked increase in smuggling of banned substances like table salt and vinyl plastics.
The Social Pederast Party continued to protest their loss in the 2104 presidential elections and demand trillions of euroyuan in compensation, claiming that they are once again being discriminated against by a vast conspiracy of mentally retarded bigoted extremist religious fanatics (formerly known as "voters"). An official Pederast spokesman said, "This is a throwback to the puritanical dark ages of the early 21st century when pedophilia, rape, murder, and even polygamy were all thought of as crimes instead of the desperate acts of victims tormented beyond the limits of their endurance as we, as enlightened progressives of superior intellect and sophistication, know them to be today."
The last nuclear weapon was dismantled this year. Nuclear weapons had been banned since a massive explosion killed a large number of people in Africa almost 100 years ago. Nuclear bombs have been considered obsolete since the introduction of gravity wave weapons in the mid-21st century.
Elder American statesman and former President Snoop Doggy Dogg Clone 4B traveled to Cuba to inspect the huge seawater mining operations conducted in John F. Kennedy City (formerly Havana) near the Elian Gonzalez Memorial nature preserve, named after a small child who grew up to overthrow Cuba's communist dictatorship in 2011.
The city of Carpa Muerta (formerly known as Los Angeles) in Pacifica declared moral bankruptcy for the fifth year in a row. The city was forced to change its name in 2041 during the anti-Christian pogroms that spread across the IEU, the United North American Republic, and the American Socialist Republic of Pacifica in the years leading up to the European civil war.
At a conference in Thule, Greenland, now the world's largest city with over 500,000 inhabitants, a group of historians met to discuss the origins of Earth's precipitous decline in population. Historians now believe that the moment when things started to go wrong was when Macaulay Culkin became American Secretary of State in 2029.
A man known simply as "Ogg" won this year's Nobel Prize. Mr Ogg, a caveperson, was found in a glacier in 2101 and was thawed out by archaeologists. He refuses to wear clothes, only speaks in grunts, and since being revived has maimed 37 people with a club fashioned out of a mastodont bone. The Nobel Committee hailed Mr. Ogg (referring to him as "Dr. Ogg", because he has received 7 honorary Ph.D. degrees) as representing the noblest instincts in mankind and a living embodiment of the need to return to our natural and noble roots in harmony with nature.
In Baghdad, a plaque was erected under a statue of Saint Ann that said, "They invaded our countries, killed our leaders, and converted us to Christianity."