Recap of the News from 2050
Here is a recap of the major news events of the year 2050.
In January 2050, Donald Rumsfeld, who had been the Secretary of
Defense under American President George W. Bush, died in a tragic
bungee-jumping accident at the age of 117. Rumsfeld had successfully
fought extradition to Europe back in 2014 after being indicted by
the EU's International Court of Criminal Behaviour,
Un-Niceness and Illegal Thought (ICCBUNIT) for supervising the
practice in 2005 of torturing prisoners of war by putting women's
panties on their heads. These cruel and inhumane
acts, along with other atrocities including the playing of rap
music and Jennifer Lopez CDs, which have long been recognized to
be particularly effective and brutal instruments of torture, were
recognized in 2011 as crimes against humanity by New Geneva Convention
on War and Un-Niceness.
In August, an activist group called People for Niceness and Ethical
Treatment of Animals (PNETA) protested the military's practice of
reprogramming the brains of live insects to carry nanobombs to targets.
In related news, the IEU (Islamic European Union) and America
edged closer to a full-blown trade war after America refused
to comply with Europe's demands to stop what it called the
`barbaric practice' of animal ownership. A spokespersyn for
the International Court of Animal Rights reaffirmed that
abolition of pet ownership has been its principal goal since
the eating of meat products was banned in 2037 and all medical
and biological research was stopped back in 2032. IEU Commissioner
Abu Spengel, who had been the head of the infamous Offensive
Speech Police, or OSP (which later became the ICCBUNIT after
the carnage of the European Civil War), warned Citizen Voters
of the serious legal consequences of criticizing its new rulings.
The White House and Congress were moved to secure underground
bunkers to reduce the risk of attack by nanobombs. The White
House and Capitol buildings, although heavily damaged by the
Great Flood of 2027, were finally turned into museums.
In March, anthropologists studying the early history of the Internet
announced the discovery of an item in Wikipedia, an early online
encyclopedia, that contained a true statement.
This year also marked the introduction of bullets containing tiny
electronic lawyers whose purpose is to determine whether it
is legal to hit the target. These replaced an earlier generation
of bullets that used a satellite link for the same purpose. The
greatest difficulty was in compressing the millions of volumes
in the U.S. Code, all 52 state penal codes and all federal and state
jurisprudence, the Congressional Record, and the tens of millions
of volumes of rules from various regulatory agencies into the
In October, a huge flood inundated large parts of India. This
was the largest flood since the Great Flood of 2006, which was
caused by a group of Muslims who, angered by news reports of
American soldiers flushing parts of the Holy Quran down a
toilet, attempted to flush their entire collection of the
Mishnah and Rabbinic scripture, along with bound copies of
the Talmud and Torah, a task that took them six weeks to
accomplish and resulted in the flooding of large portions
of what were then the countries of France, Belgium,
and The Netherlands.
The complexity of America's tax laws was once again demonstrated
when it was revealed that only 17 people had completed their
tax forms correctly last year.
Former President Frank G. Bush, the grandson of President Jeb Bush,
praised President Wojciechowski's plan to expand the military
bases on the moon that were established to defend against
interplanetary attack. The need for such bases was established
back in 2005 by Canada's former Defense Minister, who won the
2009 Nobel Prize for his criticism of what was then the United
States and for saying "UFOs are as real as the planes that
fly over our heads."
A woman was fired from her job as a food inspector because
of incurable nymphomania. She had no choice but to take a
position as a schoolteacher.
This year's Nobel Peace prize was awarded for the first time
ever to an animal, a dog named “Fluffy”. This
produced howls of protest, with many people saying that dogs
should always be given more traditional dog names like
“Lance”, “Bruce” and “Steve”,
which have been the three most popular dog names since the year
2035, when scientists made the surprising discovery that dogs
are all gay.
- Nigeria once again led the world in per capita GDP, raking in over 2.5×1014 dollars. Unfortunately, all of it was given away to American investors who had been contacted by email and offered 10% in return for providing their bank account information.