Murkan flag History Documentary

The Lost Tribe of the Murkins

We're not saying it was extraterrestrials.

History Documentary

The Lost Tribe of the Murkins

[Narrator] The continent of North America is deserted now. But thousands of years ago it was the home of a mysterious people called the Murkins. By all accounts the Murkins were fierce warriors. According to legend, their military might allowed them to conquer half the globe.

Like the ancient Romans, they were also brilliant engineers. One of their greatest engineering achievements was the creation of something called Kim Kardashian—a creature that was startlingly human-like in appearance.

But suddenly, 5,000 years ago, the Murkins died out. Why? Was it a plague, as some scientists believe, or could it be, as ancient astronaut theorists believe, the result of contact with extraterrestrials?

[Commercial break]

[Narrator] Why did the ancient Murkins disappear? Some scientists believe they were struck down by a terrible plague known as twerkosis. This frightening disease struck down entertainers and ordinary people alike. Twerkosis got its mame from its characteristic spasms, called “twerking.” The symptoms were uncontrollable itching, loss of control of the tongue, and a craving for objects made of foam rubber.

[Doctor] We don't know very much about twerking, but the jerking, twitching movements of its victims suggest that it may have been caused by a virus that acts on the brain. Most victims were women, and its onset was dramatic. One tragic victim was struck down in the middle of a performance at something called a VMA award ceremony. It must have been a horrifying sight to watch.

[Narrator] A plague is one theory. But some scientists believe climate change also played a role. For the past 5,000 years, the continent of North Murka has been locked in ice. Only now, as it gradually recovers from a mysterious ice age, have scientists been able to excavate the place its inhabitants called “the land of the free.” These amazing discoveries have led to shocking revelations about the fate of those ancient people we call ... Murkins.

[Commercial break]

[Narrator] Geologists believe that the Murkins died out when their territory, called the Ninety States of a Murka, became covered in ice. But could it be that the Murkins were actually invaded by aliens, as ancient American astronaut theorists contend?

Pajama boy
Pajama boy alien (Puerus camisiamus)

[Flying Saucer Nut] Here is a rare picture of one of the aliens, which the Murkins called "Pajama Boy." Notice the alien-style clothing, the unearthly, smug expression, the photoshoppy eyebrows, and the big, doe-like, swively eyes, signifying low aggressiveness and single-digit IQ. These strange creatures could not have evolved on planet Earth. They had to come from a place where conditions were much milder than on Earth: a nightmare world where every need is taken care of by somebody else, where they never have to do any work, and the temperature is always a constant 72 degrees.

Notice the small, weak forelimbs protruding from the creature's thighs—this creature could not have built the great monuments we have discovered in our excavations of Murka. This creature was not built for either physical strength or intelligence.

[German Accent Guy] We believe that these aliens were incapable of having sex, and so they died out sometime between 2010 and 2020. But the Murkins were also invaded by another species of aliens. These new aliens were described as short, swarthy, with big moustaches, wearing big hats with tassels and little balls hanging down, and flying around in low-riding flying saucers that bounced up and down as they flew. Bouncy vehicles would have been useless, and even considered show-offy, on planet Earth, but they would be essential on a planet with high gravity.

[Narrator] On a heavy-gravity planet, the only way to get over obstacles like speed bumps or other obstacles would be by bouncing repeatedly to build up large amounts of kinetic energy, and then hop over the object. These aliens would almost certainly have brought these vehicles with them to avoid having the tires stolen if they left them on their home planet.

[Commercial break]

[Narrator] Is is possible, as ancient astronaut theorists believe, that an invasion by a third type of aliens with advanced technology plunged the Murkin civilization into a dark age? The evidence points to an invasion of yet another, even more sinister species of aliens known as the “Little Green Men” or “Greens” for short.

[German Accent Guy] Ve think the Greens came from a very cold planet where there was no plant life. They probably tried to terraform the Earth by eliminating carbon dioxide from the atmosphere, to make it more like their home planet. This sounds crazy to us, because we know that carbon dioxide is essential for life, and it's essential for keeping our planet warm. So the Greens would have been catastrophic for the Earth.

[Flying Saucer Nut] The Greens tried to make the planet colder by eliminating all forms of energy. They forced the Murkins to cut back on using fossil fuel. They blocked nuclear and hydroelectric power, and even windmills. The Murkins tried to continue their way of life by shipping all their industrial production to other parts of the world, but it wasn't enough.

[Narrator] The Greens devastated the planet. For decades they schemed against the Murkins to find some way to make the planet more suitable for themselves. Finally, working from their base in the Kennedy Space Center, an alien base now frozen under miles of ice, the Greens placed a huge shield in space which blocked light from the Sun. As a result, the planet was plunged into darkness, triggering a deadly ice age. This is proof, ancient astronaut theorists contend, of the threat posed by ancient alien technology.

[Flying Saucer Nut] No human would ever have consented to this kind of attack on their way of life. We believe that a small dissident faction of humans who called themselves Global Warming Deniers tried to stop them. But these deniers mysteriously disappeared.

[Narrator] Did the Deniers all move to Australia in disgust, as ancient alien theorists contend, or did they just give up and blend in to the population? Some believe they lost something called “freedom of speech,” whatever that is. We don't know the real reason. The surviving historical record is fragmentary. But whatever happened, the Green invasion led to a global cataclysm.

AOL Disk
These small disks may have been an important part of Murkin religious ceremonies.

[Crazy Hair Guy] By the end of the 20th century the planet started getting colder. Murkins even stopped writing books. And suddenly we start finding millions of these little disks. Now, I have no idea what they used these for. I'm not saying this is alien technology ... but it's definitely alien technology!

[Commercial break]

[German Accent Guy] These disk-shaped objects are found by the millions in archaeological excavations. Ve believe they are votive objects—early artifacts of a new alien religion called “Teh Interweb.”

[Narrator] The Interweb, or Internet as it was sometimes called, was a strange cult that first appeared in the late 20th century. It swept the continent like a wildfire. Under the influence of this new religion, people believed that by asking their god a suitably phrased question they could obtain vast amounts of wisdom, and even communicate with the gods!

[Narrator] The Murkins had many gods, but the most powerful and the wisest god was called Gooooooooogle. Over time, the repeated entreaties to Gooooooooogle created a shortage of 'o's, and so the Murkins gradually shortened the name to Google and finally Ggle.

[Crazy Hair Guy] People began to spend several hours a day worshiping the god Ggle in the hopes of finding profound wisdom. Every house had a shrine in one corner dedicated to this religion. We believe it must have been a form of cat worship, because we see millions of pictures of

[Commercial break]

[Crazy Hair Guy] cats.

[Post Production Editor] Sorry.

[German Accent Guy] Why did the Murkins start worshiping cats? We don't know. But their later writings show something even more horrifying. We think that the new Murkin religion turned evil, and they began to make sacrifices to a new, ever-increasing pantheon of angry gods.

[Narrator] The Murkins called these new gods “The Feds.” Archaeologists believe that Fed worship demanded more and more sacrifices until it came to control every aspect of their lives. They began sacrificing large portions of their income, often as much as 40 or 50%, to the Fed gods. As Fed worship grew, people became unable to do even basic things, like buy health insurance, for themselves.

What difference does it make?
Hillary Clinton, or maybe Setesh in human form. What difference does it make?

[German Accent Guy] Gradually they became more and more like the pajama boy aliens. And so they, too, would have been unable to have sex. One of the earliest gods was called Justin Bieber. Later, as their religion grew more violent, the Murkins started worshiping a god called Setesh the Destroyer (see photo at right). Its very appearance is enough to turn men off sex forever. These evil gods must have terrified the Murkins.

As a result of Fed worship, the Murkins were forced to cower in basements and were unable to find work. As a result of this new cult, they gradually lost the initiative and courage that they once had, and so they died out.

[Commercial break]

[Narrator] Were the satanic beings called Feds actually aliens who destroyed the Murkin way of life? Or was it the Greens? And where did they come from? We may never know for sure. But ancient alien theorists continue to dig for answers as they excavate the remains of this mysterious lost civilization called Murka.


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jan 30, 2014