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Thursday, November 10, 2016

Hollywood stars moving to outer space

A sudden interest in space travel for Holly­wood ... and some suggested destinations.

H ollywood movie stars are wiping their tears and trying, in the most sober and restrained way they know, to deal with the fact that the guy they most feared and hated is now their president.

Cher is planning to move to Jupiter, a planet with an atmosphere composed of hydrogen, methane, helium and ammonia, a theoretical surface gravity 2.5 times higher than Earth, and no Academy Awards. Ten-hour days, no global warming (average temperature is −234°F), what's not to like? But she ought to remember there's also a giant red spot there, and it's already 31,000 miles in diameter. And it could start expanding.


Jupiter's atmosphere also contains hydrogen sulfide, phosphine, germane (a gas made of germanium), hydrazine, and carbon monoxide, all of which are bad for the environment, but not as yet on the list of chemicals known to the state of California to cause cancer. So she should be pretty safe.

But I think the real reason Trump won was Madonna's threat to give blowjobs to anyone who voted for Hillary Clinton. The Republicans owe her a debt of gratitude. Let's give Miley Cyrus some credit, too: “Honestly f*** this shit I am moving if this is my president!” the twenty-something twerker tweeted. “I don't say things I don't mean.”

She's not worried for herself, she says, but for the animals. And Lena Dunham assured us that she's not cutting herself in half: “I'd be 100 percent moving to Canada.”

If only that were true. Hollywood looks to be pretty empty in the next few weeks. And hey, if Jupiter isn't far enough, Andromeda is very nice too, though if the Stock Market continues to soar as it did right after the election, we'll be sending astronauts there pretty soon. On the U.S.S. Donald J. Trump. And you'll have to move again. I heard NGC 4528 is pretty nice.

But maybe we shouldn't make fun of liberals for talking about moving to outer space. Judging from their policies, they just want to go home.

Postcard from galaxy NGC 4528
Beautiful NGC 4528 welcomes you

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