randombio.com | political commentary
Wednesday, February 3, 2016

Hillary's Amazing Iowa Coin Toss

There's a two-headed monster in Iowa, and it's not Hillary

T he Democratic race in the Iowa caucuses this week was so close that over a dozen delegates were apparently awarded on the basis of coin flips. The Atlantic quoted the Des Moines Register as documenting least six delegates awarded by coin flips alone. If both NPR and CNN deny it, it must be true.

Once again, then, it seems the house won all the bets. On the other hand, as one commentator recently reminded us, the Democrats' world is a lot like the Soviet Union, where, as the joke went, the future is certain; it's the past is always changing. So maybe the Democrats, in their brilliance, have perfected time travel: the perfect do-over. By tomorrow Sanders may have always been the winner. You remember. Hillary was never there. She never existed. Or as Stalin might have put it, a head flipped often enough becomes a tail.

To be honest, time travel and airbrushing of history may not be the most parsimonious explanations. We just have to ask: what kind of strange coin are the Democrats using? Nobody is that lucky. Somehow Hill managed to beat the 64 to 1 odds to beat Bernie Sanders, the only person on their side who's honest about being a socialist. That's why so many on the Republican side think he'll never be allowed to win: if there were any difference between the Democrats and socialists, Bernie would have to run as a third-party candidate.

There are three possibilities: (1) It's the Treasury Department's clever way of revealing a new two-headed grrl on grrl coin, maybe with Susan Sontag and Naomi Klein on one side and Andrea Dworkin on the other; (2) even God is worried about America turning socialist; or (3) Hillary convinced the coin-tosser that it'd be in his or her interest for the coin to come up heads. Though I suspect if Bill had been in the room we'd have seen tails come up at least once.

There's symbolism in everything the Democrats do, and their magical coin toss may be symbolic of how in a Hillary presidency the government will, by the magic of taxation, end up with all your coins. It's only natural that progressives, in their unending battle against inequality, would progress from economic unworkabilities to statistical improbabilities.

Related articles

Don't under­estimate Bernie Sanders
Anti-Washington sentiment is the determining factor; also, Diary of a New President

Hillary plans ahead, wears orange jumpsuit
Pantsuit on fire

Hillary Clinton (D -- LV-426)
Okay, you already know most of the story: They welded the doors shut to keep her out. Acid for blood.

On the Internet, no one can tell whether you're a dolphin or a porpoise

book reviews