Global Trends 2055: A New Hope
The National Intelligence Council has just come out with its
predictions for the year 2025, titled "Global Trends 2025: A
Transformed World". I predict a little farther.
Global Trends 2055: A New Hope
|
| Key Uncertainties | Potential Consequences |
| The disbanding of America's military in 2009 by President Obama will have global consequences. | America will thrive as a new member of the People's Glorious Third Empire of Bhutan, under the leadership of Grand Poobah Asimov XIV. |
| As radiation levels in the Middle East continue to decline, the continuing presence of giant mutant cockroaches and man-eating chipmunks will be a problem for the foreseeable future. | There will be riots in Home Depot stores as stockpiles of Raid run out. |
| After the American auto industry goes bankrupt, China will become the world's largest producer of automobiles, | Americans will enjoy a pollution-free environment, thanks to the outlawing of gasoline engines and the conversion of Interstate highways to bike paths. |
| Europe will have spectacular success at integrating its Muslim minorities. | The new pan-European Caliphate will pose a stiff challenge to the two surviving members of NATO, Iceland and Luxembourg. |
| Global cooling will continue to threaten life as we know it. United Nations Climate Change Czar Al Gore will implement a new sweep of the country and imprison thousands of global cooling deniers. | Billions of climate refugees will flock to equatorial regions to escape the bitter cold, creating unsupportable demands and conflict over resources like water, food, and March of the Penguins DVDs. In a related incident, Al Gore, who was born exactly nine months after the Roswell UFO incident, will reveal startling new information about his genealogy. |
| Immigration will continue at an accelerated pace, owing to President 0bama's 2009 General Amnesty program. Mexico will be completely vacant by August of 2009. | In 2013, American President Bonsorno Juevo Gonzales will abolish the border between the Mexican state of California and the United States, joining the two countries into a new country named the People's Republic of North America. |
| Owing to the anticipated decline in America's military muscle, new regional powers will begin to exert their influence in world affairs. | The nation's capital will be rebuilt in a new location where it is protected from the radioactive debris blowing in from the remains of Washington, D.C. The new location will be Fort Knox, Kentucky, where gold was once stored, back in the days when we still had gold. |
| Overpopulation and the attendant competition for resources will be an increasing problem. Resistance to internationally mandated sharing of resources, such as water, land, and Paris Hilton videos, will increase. | After concentration camps are created to hold those convicted of unlawful speech and hateful thoughts, the ovens will begin their glorious work as four fifths of mankind is asked to make a glorious sacrifice for the sake of restoring the Earth's pristine environment. |
| A glorious new era in which racism and capitalism are finally abolished will be created, thanks to the new expanded powers finally granted to the United Nations International Police Force. | Citizens should consider buying large quantities of rice, beans, and ammo. |
| Unfortunately, the optimism above is tempered somewhat by the discovery of a 6,500 mile wide asteroid that is currently hurtling towards the earth at 71,000 miles per hour. | So far, this is the only bright spot (so to speak) in the economy. |
